Lover I Don't Have to Love

It's always easier to judge than try to understand.

On my last date I sat through accusation after accusation that I don't work for what I have, it was all given to me.

Apparently he need an ego boost and I'm glad that I could provide that.

Just because I like to meet new people does not make me a slut. Just because I go on dates to pass the time does not make me easy. I am still trying to figure out how going to dinner correlates to being scandalous.

There is no simple solution for finding someone. I have discovered that meeting someone on the street is just as prone to problems as meeting someone off the internet. Everyone has always looked down on me for talking to guys I discover via the internet. Sure, there are risks, however the same risks lie at hand when you meet someone face to face.

I recently met an attractive man while I was out of town a few weekends ago. Turns out he is a complete nutcase. A self-righteous, arrogant, atheist. I did not see that coming, while we hung out he seemed quite normal and rational. I did not know that he would obsessively call me, leaving ten minute voice mails asking why I had not phoned him back and that he would just delete my number since I could not devote enough energy towards him. The point being that the internet is not the only place where creepers lie.

Quite honestly I've met a lot of great, respectful men off the web: Gerald, Zach, Dwight, and even Leo, my first boyfriend whom I was with for 3 years. So of course, along with all the wonderful people you meet, you're going to have guys like Ian who abuse the internet as a means to use and manipulate young women.

Point proven: Creepy people are everywhere... Not just the net. So don't judge.

Shall I continue:

I am already sick of people commenting that I'm "desperate" to find someone. I've been on a lot of dates recently quite simply for the fact that being asked out on a date is still somewhat foreign to me. I'm not used to guys asking me out. If I was "desperate" I would have gotten involved with the first one I met. I love my life the way it is. I love cruising around in my car with the wind in my hair and the tunes cranked up. I never liked having anyone to answer to or having someone to worry about. Granted, I do get lonely at times, doesn't everyone. It does make me super jealous when my friends find guys that are "head over heels" for them. But that's life.

I will always chase the impossible. I will always fall for guys that couldn't care less about me. It's just my nature and I've accepted it. Sometimes it's better to feel something than nothing at all. Pain makes me feel human, otherwise I feel like I'm this monotonous being wandering the earth living on hopes and dreams. That's why I texted the scandalous bitch... I want a lover I don't have to love...

It's been a year.

This time last year he left.

A single text message ended it all.

"Im done" was all he said

even though I knew he was done long before I got that message.

It didn't hurt me.

One year and three dates later I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

All those dates I walked out on.

Every single one I disappeared before goodbye could be spoken.

Every single one disrespected me in some form.

Guess I have more confidence than I thought I did...

Creepy Mo-Fo

So lucky me, I get to come home to deal with another total creeper. And I know what you're thinking "Well, if you would stop finding guys off the internet you wouldn't have this problem." Oh but that was not the case. This is someone I met at college. I didn't like him, in fact the sight of him appalled me, but I'm a nice person so I tried to be as pleasant as I could be during our acquaintance. Don't ask me how he got my messenger name or why I accepted him on facebook but I did... And that is how the war started. He had posted a very inappropriate comment on my facebook wall. I'm not the type to tolerate that kind of thing. I have to deal with guys staring at my butt all night at work. I'm not going to allow crudeness in my house or on my profile, for that matter. So since then he's been calling, texting, and IMing me like a madman. "Why do you hate me?" "I thought we were friends." Oh let me take a wild guess... You creep me the hell out. That's why I hate you. So I finally rest my case with the conversation below. He is in blue, I'm in pink.

I deleted you on facebook

but can you pls tell me what i ever did to upset you

i just don't understand why your mad at me?

i thought we were friends?

ha, what gave you that impression

we always talked on messenger remember?

But can i pls ask what i did to upset you pls?

i really thought we were friends?

i try to be nice. just cuz i was nice to you doesn't mean we were friends

ok you hate me i understand that now!

But why did you stop being nice?

Did i say or do something?

well the comment pretty much topped it off

CARLIE COME ON you know me i joke alot

I DIDN"T DO IT TO BE PERVERTED

its me the joker i SWEAR on everybone in my body i meant nothing by it and i meant no harm

well you crossed the line and i don't tolerate that shit

for god's sake my family is on facebook reading that trash

and... didn't mean i was into you or anything

i didnt know your family was reading it

i didn't mean no harm by it

I was joking bout watching you do yoga meaning you look good in tights I've got alot to learn about speaking to women and joking i get that

i've been alone LONG LONG TIME

BUT EVERYONE INCLUDING YOU knows me personally and you know im a nice guy i didn't do it to hurt you upset you or anything like that

why are you making me feel like shit is it so wrong to joke

yes it is

i'm not interested... how many times do i have to turn you down before you get the point and leave me alone

carlie i wasn't pointing out boobs butts or anything ALL I SAID WAS i'd be looking at you

I"M NOT TRYING TO HIT ON YOU

DAMN I SAID I USED TO BE ATTRACTED TO YOU YOU TOLD ME LOTS OF TIMES you'd be my friend

your so rude i can't believe this that i can't make a goofy joke

i just don't understand one minute your nice next you hate my existance i just don't get what i did wrong is all!

ok, i'm rude. get the hint.

leave me alone ok

i think i made my point

goodbye

i hope the worst comes to you cuz you have disgraced me today in more ways than one

you have no right to happiness after your actions today

NO SHIT

YOUR SO DUMB

what part of "Just friends" didn't you understand thats all i've wanted from you for 8 9 months I live here you live there

I"M NOT EVER TRYING TO GET WITH YOU JUST WANTED TO BE YOUR FRIEND

so goodbye

your so rude

so dumb for not listening to what i said

i hope nothing goes the way you want it to you have ruined my day in more ways then i ever thought possible i really feel like shit and i didn't do anything to you

Wow, we're mature... Pretty much telling me he hopes I die and rot in hell. He needs some help, serious psychiatric help. Not only that, but a seat in church might due him some good. Absolutely no one has the authority to tell me that I should be miserable for the rest of my life.

Now I'm going to watch the new South Park episode and have more wonderful sweet dreams of getting hugs from Brock Lesnar. His hugs are pretty much awesome even if it was a dream! :-)

In Search of Something More

Is it wrong that I still think of you.

Is it wrong that I wonder if you still think of me

Is it wrong that I wonder what could've been

Is it wrong that the good memories stick out more than the bad ones do

Is it wrong that I still hold onto things you gave to me,

the notes, the pictures, the gifts, the e-mails.

Sometimes I do wonder what life would've been like

if we had never parted ways,

if you never changed your mind

if the love we once shared had never died.

Would I still smile when you spoke my name?

Would the tears still fall when you let me down?

Our lives are now different books,

both placed on different shelves.

I do not want you to return

just as you never want me to reappear

Maybe after 3 years, 10 million tears,

and too many lies revealed

I have come to realize that

You were the only one that has truly loved me...

Sometimes its good just to reminisce. Reflect upon personal growth and realizations. Sometimes I think that my life has took a spiraling turn downhill. When I was younger I had so much going for me, now it has all dissipated. I work 9 hour days and spend my free time, well, doing nothing. It's been so long since I've had the mental stimulation that I used to thrive on. The interests are still there but sometimes I wonder if I have the ambition to pursue them.

Life has become, not about doing what brings you joy, but what puts money in the bank. And all around we're all so miserable, taking shot after shot to escape the monotony that life has forced us to live. I do not want to live that life. I do not want someone to look at me for the beauty which lies only skin deep, but for my brain, my heart, and my words just like he once did.

I had someone speak French to me yesterday. While I strained my brain to find the nouns and verbs that used to flow off the tip of my tongue, the joy I used to experience while speaking the language reappeared, causing me to wonder why I tossed everything that I loved away. Sometimes I want to pick up a pencil and create something out of nothing like I used to. I crave to clasp the bow and make beautiful music that floats into thin air. Write words of hope and wisdom instead of words of desperation and despair.

I live a good life, but sometimes I think it could be so much better