In Search of Something More

Is it wrong that I still think of you.

Is it wrong that I wonder if you still think of me

Is it wrong that I wonder what could've been

Is it wrong that the good memories stick out more than the bad ones do

Is it wrong that I still hold onto things you gave to me,

the notes, the pictures, the gifts, the e-mails.

Sometimes I do wonder what life would've been like

if we had never parted ways,

if you never changed your mind

if the love we once shared had never died.

Would I still smile when you spoke my name?

Would the tears still fall when you let me down?

Our lives are now different books,

both placed on different shelves.

I do not want you to return

just as you never want me to reappear

Maybe after 3 years, 10 million tears,

and too many lies revealed

I have come to realize that

You were the only one that has truly loved me...

Sometimes its good just to reminisce. Reflect upon personal growth and realizations. Sometimes I think that my life has took a spiraling turn downhill. When I was younger I had so much going for me, now it has all dissipated. I work 9 hour days and spend my free time, well, doing nothing. It's been so long since I've had the mental stimulation that I used to thrive on. The interests are still there but sometimes I wonder if I have the ambition to pursue them.

Life has become, not about doing what brings you joy, but what puts money in the bank. And all around we're all so miserable, taking shot after shot to escape the monotony that life has forced us to live. I do not want to live that life. I do not want someone to look at me for the beauty which lies only skin deep, but for my brain, my heart, and my words just like he once did.

I had someone speak French to me yesterday. While I strained my brain to find the nouns and verbs that used to flow off the tip of my tongue, the joy I used to experience while speaking the language reappeared, causing me to wonder why I tossed everything that I loved away. Sometimes I want to pick up a pencil and create something out of nothing like I used to. I crave to clasp the bow and make beautiful music that floats into thin air. Write words of hope and wisdom instead of words of desperation and despair.

I live a good life, but sometimes I think it could be so much better