Jesus, You there?

Hey Jesus it's me again...
Did you forget that I'm here?
Do you not see the pain in my eyes
and the tears that I cry?

Why do you fill my path
with liars, manipulators, users...
Why am I led to alcholics, drug abusers...
Anxiety, control issues, eating disorders,
depression, insecurity,
they all have problems worse than me.

Why do I want to save them?
Why do all my prayers go their needs.
Why do I try to believe
when there's nothing there
in which to believe?

Why do I feel so weak
powerless, hopeless...
Why do I always feel
that I'm not good enough
despite all that I've come to be.

I've determined that you're punishing me
by putting my life in a constant state of repeat.
Is it true I'm being punished
for an enormous mistake
one I still cannot percieve.

If God is love
does he not exist...
Just as love does not exist
for me...

For you

This is for all the guys who rejected me,
for all the guys who want me but will never have me.
For all the bitches who smile to my face
and talk shit when I walk away.
For all the people who said I'm fat
ugly
stupid
that I don't have a personality
crazy
stalker
alcoholic

For Steven for showing me what a scandalous bitch really is
That crowbar to your Mustang was nothing compared to what you did to my soul...
For all the scandalous bitches that followed
You are nothing to me.
Nothing.

Driving 150 Mph in the Wrong Direction

The older I get, the harder on myself I become. I am never good enough because I know there's always better. I am never thin enough because I know there's always someone thinner and prettier. I am never smart enough because I know there's always something I don't understand. I crave acceptance from others because I can't seem to accept myself. It is easier to try to make someone else happy simply because it's almost impossible to bring happiness to myself.

I am 23 years old. I make twice as much money as the majority of people my age. I drive a brand new car, I have a college degree and I'm still left feeling like I'm falling behind somewhere. I constantly feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone; I'll never live up to anothers' expectations and requirements.

There are very few people who truly know who I am. Even people I've dated in my past, I doubt they could even skim the surface of my likes dislikes, interests, goals, aspirations... I've spent entire relationships trying to be the perfect trophy girlfriend. Just a pretty face to look at. I sit there, smile, laugh at their jokes, and speak only when spoken to. Is this who I am... No, but it is who I think they all want me to be.

In my college graphic design class I was assigned to do a timeline of the things that have influenced me thoughout my life and things I think will influence me into the future. I sat down with a blank piece of paper and pencil and began to draw up pictures, simple things which have shaped my life. When I neared the age of thirty the assignment became more difficult. Who knew that a simple assignment would lead me to a great amount of self-realization. I realized that all this time that I have spent doing for others, trying to make everyone else happy I had forgotten all the goals that were on my own personal bucket list. I want to take gourmet cooking classes, I want to learn how to play a round of golf, I want to taste exquisite foods and visit castles across Europe. Did any of you who are reading this know that? Do any of my friends and ex-boyfriends know that I do have artistic abilities, that I was once nearly fluent in french and desire to continue studying the language...that I know how to play instruments and sing? Do any of the guys I meet care to ask? No, they were more concerned about what my favorite drink is and what I like to do in bed. Next time they ask I'm going to say grape soda and Battleship...

We all want a story to tell. Sadly most people think a good story is one about the night she guzzled a bottle of Grey Goose and danced on a table (...not saying I'm speaking from personal experience...) But what about the story about me spending two weeks on the east coast. How I didn't even enjoy that trip because I was worried about a boy liking me. And what about the story about how I got to eat steak and lobster with a group of people that truly care about me? That story turned into one of me crying a large portion of the night because I was hurt and let down by yet another boy. All of these wonderful stories destroyed because I was concerned about someone else rather than my own happiness.

I'm letting my life slip away because I spend more energy focused on trying to get people to like me. It's almost like driving against the traffic in the wrong lane during rush hour.

Enduring a struggle just to end up further away from where you started...

Question of a lifetime

Question of the day:

"Would you rather have $100,000,000,000 or Steve Gonsalves heart?"

Steve's heart! Duh!!

And this is what my father said:

"I thought it was 'money over bitches?'"

"Steve's not a bitch, he's my soulmate..."

Mmmmm Steve's heart...

So snuggly...

more Scandalous bitches

New vlog...

I'm old

It's my birthday.

I feel old.

I hope I'm not sick on my birthday.

I'm using sheer willpower to not get sick until Sunday...

P.S. I hope my birthday wish comes true.

That would be amazing...

Running After Dreams

Here again I find myself chasing the impossible
Running after a shadow
wishing upon an empty well.

If there's beauty in pain
I'm the belle of the ball
the masterpiece upon which everyone will gaze

I want to breathe
but I'm out of breath
I want to see
but you're always there blocking my view.

There is no peace in solitude
yet no peace in a crowded room.
The tears fall silently
but the thoughts are inside screaming.

It's comforting to see
the smile on your face
Even if that means
sacrificing my own.


How can you have everything that everyone wants, yet be someone that no one wants...

Choices are hard but

I made a promise I intend to keep.

Now only if you could see,

what you really mean to me...

Starting new in a new year...

I think I'm starting the new year right.
Putting the past behind me and moving onto new..

I did what I should have done a long time ago...
Now I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
I just hope that what I did, I'm doing for the right reasons.

Sometimes the easiest of decisions are the hardest ones to make.
Going from something so certain and familiar
to venturing onto something new and unsure
is quite a large risk for me.

Risk is something that I'm known to shy away from.
But what is life without experience?
What is life when you chose to travel the same path
simply due to fear...

New Years

In bed, at home, cozy, listening to dubstep...

This is exactly how I want to spend my New Year's...

I'm so happy I could cry.

In fact I did almost cry...

When I heard the words that I've been wanting to hear all this time.

"You're beautiful, you're smart, and you have money..."

I'm gonna smile, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna laugh, and I'm gonna worry...

But I think I'm ready this time....

Let's just hope I don't screw it up!

*sigh*

That's the hard part...