July 16, 2006
“I had the joy of enduring a rather confusing and aggrivating bit of relationship drama that almost was the end of it. I still must say I was rather confused that it didn’t end as I spent my next morning waiting for the call or IM saying she couldn’t go on with it, only to find an oddly cheeerful Carlie who seemed to work things out well enough in her head. (The problem) bugs me alot more than it should, I mean she can get over her problems then I should as well.”
Sometimes it’s difficult to see the truth after all the lies you convince yourself of.
Five years I had convinced myself I had been the victim. Five years I played myself out to be the innocent girl who never said, did, or behaved wrongly. And for five years I constantly asked myself “what happened” and “why did he do that to me?” Sadly it wasn’t until recently that I finally realized that the answer was there all along I was too blind to see it all this time. The answer has been staring back at me in the mirror every single day.
They all try to listen, provide support, and understand me but it’s hard to listen when there’s nothing but silence between you. I always disappeared at the sight of conflict. I’d lock down any form of communication, hiding until I felt it was safe to return to the real world thinking that the problem would pass so that I would no longer have to explain myself. Sadly I didn’t realize that even though the problems may have blown over, they had not been forgotten.
When I wanted answers and explanations they were not provided. When problems arose he would leave me alone, depressed, worried that I would lose him without an opportunity to try to explain myself. As the pattern continued I grew angry that he ignored my attempts to contact him and refused to approach me. It would be days until I’d hear from him again and the only thing said on his behalf was “I’m not going to break up with you,” and sometimes I would not even get that.
I would constantly wonder why had the relationship taken this ugly turn putting me in a place where I felt my feelings didn’t matter. I paved this path of destruction. I created the rocky road of miscommunication, silence, loneliness, and confusion. I reaped what I sew. For the first year I set the standard for the relationship making it only right for him to do the same in return when the shoe was on the other foot. When I wanted to talk my pleas were shut down but only because I had done the same in the past. When he expressed concern I turned my back. When I needed support I turned to someone else. It was not out of retaliation, I’m sure on his side he believed that’s what I wanted. I set the example of disappearing for days then returned with nothing more than a smile on my face, acting as if nothing had happened.
I saw the relationship through tunnel vision, only seeing my side, my pain, my thoughts. Then when everything came crashing down I could not understand how or why things panned out the way they did. I did not make an attempt the see outside the box that was my world. I could not see the hurt that I caused only because I was so focused on the way I felt. I did not understand that the same pain that I felt was the same as what he felt all the times that I turned my back on him.
Years later and I feel like history has repeated itself. The same problems arise, the same conflicts go unresolved and even though I’ve been told where the problem lies, hearing it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve understood it. I’ve blurred out (although not on purpose) the details of my actions and not until visually seeing them written down I had forgotten the things I had done. It broke my heart to see these words and to know that I not only hurt this person but have hurt others in the same fashion simply because I was too dumb, stubborn, narrow-minded to see the bigger picture.
I went searching for answers and I received them. I can finally stop pointing the finger of blame in the opposite direction when all along that finger should have been staring right back at me.
October 24, 2006
“...I don’t really know how to mend all these things. In a way I wish I had just never brought the issue of conflict up, sometimes it’s just better to suck it up and avoid it...but then again it would of fermented underneath everything and would of probably been worse when it finally did come out. I’m almost scared to talk to her now for fear of upsetting her more.”
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