Thursday night...

I always wish I had the right things to say. I use my words to disguise my weaknesses, only for that disguise to disable me more prominently than any weaknesses ever could.

I only wish that I could take back the words I said months ago. Replace them with kinder, gentler things. But the words I regret will be the words that will blind me from happiness. I've never been capable of expressing how I feel. My attempts are always misrepresented, in turn leaving me to feel like a fool.

Here I find myself, sitting here alone, by the phone, waiting for a call that may never come, praying a prayer that never comes true, and crying the same tears that fall every time. After all the failures one would think I would learn. It's like I keep being told "you're meant to be alone" while I try to rule out fate. Hoping for the best and not at all being prepared for the worst.

I fell too hard, too fast, when all I wanted was something to last...

Where's the answers?

Feels like I'm missing out on so much in life...

There comes a point in time where I've become so sick of being just another slave to the wage. My love for money and my youthful exuberance have become conflicted. I want to go out do things, see awesome shows, eat delicious food, dance at the hottest spots however doing those things requires the funds provided by working the outrageous hours that I have been. I work so I can have nice things and have fun yet I work to the extent that I am not allowed adequate time to enjoy such luxuries.

I've found myself in a sense of conflict in so many aspects of my life. There's points at which I want to shut myself off from everyone. But even less often, there's points at which I desire to draw myself closer to others. I've learned to appreciate solitude even when sitting here alone seems like one of the hardest things to do.

I learned the hard way that sometimes the things you do to make yourself happy turn out to be things that make you even more miserable than you were before. I always find myself in situations where I have what I want however I am unsatisfied with that which I have obtained or even that I find it wasn't as fulfilling as I hoped it to be. I find myself too often getting to where I want to be then taking a huge step in the opposite direction. I work so hard for what I have: my success, my independence, my wisdom, my intelligence to lose it all at the blink of an eye.

Maybe I'm looking for some kind of epiphany. Like those moments of clarity I experience after its too late and I've already become victim to yet another mistake. Answers are not free, they have their price.
I only wonder what price I will have pay this time to uncover whatever lesson it is I am to learn...

Evangelical Snob

I believe it's time once again to brush off the cobwebs on my trusty blog.
What better way to do it by posting a quick rant so if you'd rather not endure my whining then this is a post you may not want to read.

As some of you may know, most of you may not since I myself did not know, but today evangelical author and speaker, Mark Cahill, was in town for a presentation at the new event center. Now I can't say I'm exactly up to date on who's who in the world of religious speakers so prior to today I had no idea who the guy was. So when he came into Mike's to eat today he was just another ordinary guy to me.

He marched around the restaurant handing out money, signed copies of his book, paying for guests meals, "it's better to give than receive" he would say as he tossed out the cash. I stood at the host's podium watching as he did this, he gave several of my coworkers very large tips, and copies of his book with money placed inside the cover. I, on the other hand, was not one of the lucky ones to receive any of his "gifts." He would simply walk past, nose in the air, ignoring my existence. I did not receive money, a book, let alone a smile, or a "god bless you."

Does your God pick and choose who he wants to bless? Did your God put you on this earth to act in such a snobbish manner, using your wealth to act like you are better than others? My God has blessed me in great forms, I did not obtain this by walking over others, making them feel insignificant. I try to treat everyone with respect whether I agree with their ideas, morals, ideals, so on and so forth... I do not need your money, your insight, but I do need to be acknowledged as a person, treated with respect regardless if I wear lipstick the color of satan's ass or not.

Whatever "publicity" you seek, you sir, are seeking it by the wrong fashion. Sometimes it not so much about the lives you've touched, but the ones you overlooked because of your own pride.