This is definitely the hardest post I've ever made.
By far the most difficult weekend I've ever experienced.
Saturday July 21, 2012 I received the call I had dreaded all my life.
At 11:06 am a voicemail was left on my phone, my mother in tears, telling me to call her back. The worst thoughts crossed my mind. Was my father in a motorcycle accident? Had one of my grandparents passed away? Frantically, I dressed and prepared myself, expecting to have to rush to the hospital.
My mother returned my follow up call about 15 minutes later. When I heard my father's voice in the background and heard my mom stammer the words "This morning we got a call from the vet..." I knew what had happened but not at all prepared to deal it.
"Betsy passed this morning."
Everything to follow seems to be a blur. I remember screaming out "No, this isn't happening..." then crying hysterically, pacing the house, not knowing how to express the grief laid upon me by 4 words.
As cliche as this sounds, Betsy was more than a dog. She was a best friend, a companion, a warm shoulder to lean on when I felt my world was falling apart. No matter what scandalous bitch I was involved with or how badly people in the outside world were treating me, she loved me unconditionally. Even during the times I felt no one loved me, and I had no one turn to, I knew I had her. I never hurt that puppy and I would have given her everything. Even when it meant I would get in trouble for letting her lay on my blankets or letting her sleep in bed with me I made sure that she was comfortable and knew that she was loved.
It wasn't her time. She had a lot of life left in her. She was a trooper. She survived cancer. She endured the pain of a cracked rib. She lost the majority of her front teeth due to periodontal disease and at times it was difficult and painful for her to eat. She would skip meals up until the point she would begin to vomit. She had benign tumors all over her body. But no matter how much pain she was in she was so happy to be around her family. While I was away on the weekends the entire time she would stand at the front door and wait for me to arrive. When I walked in the door I watched her face light up and from there she'd always follow me into my room where I'd change my clothes and unwind for the evening.
Call me crazy, but from the moment she left for the vet on Wednesday morning I had a sick sense that something bad was going to happen. Even Friday evening when I arrived at my boyfriend's house he said that I was acting strange. He said that I was being abnormally quiet and followed him around the house "like a puppy" while he got ready for work. I repeatedly spoke the words "I miss my Betsy." Even earlier that week, after a dispute about me leaving the laundry room door open because I didn't want Betsy to get too hot I remember telling my mom I did it because "I don't want Betsy to die." The response "Betsy is not going to die" continues to play like record inside my head. I cared about that little girl, I worried about her, and loved her with my entire heart, and then some...
I did not trust the veterinary clinic that she went to. One of the first weeks she was sent there while my family was on vacation she returned thin as a rail and lethargic because they had "forgot" to feed her. So quite honestly it was no surprise to discover that there was a possibility that she was allergic to the shots that they gave her. It doesn't make any sense at all that my perfectly healthy puppy went in for a stay and ended up dead.
In a way, I'm still waiting to be woken from this horrible nightmare. When I walk in the door I still think she's going to run around the corner to greet me with a big smile on her face. When I dangle my hand off the couch I still expect to feel her furry body laying on the floor beside me. This morning I heard breathing and I looked down at my floor expecting to see her and all I saw was an empty blanket.
I will never forget what happened, nor will I ever forgive the veterinarians for the negligence on their behalf. They took her life and expressed no sympathy and responsibility for the loss.
If doggies go to heaven I know Betsy is looking down at me and can see just how much I love her and how much joy she brought into my life.
I miss you more than words can express...
Monday, July 23, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Boo-Hoo-Moo-Moos
It's so sad that we toss away living creatures with senses and feelings like a child's old toys. A pile of dead human corpses is appalling and cruel but yet we've become so desensitized to killing animals that it is no shock to see a truck full of dead cows driving down the highway.
It upsets me to see animals, large or small, being hurt, killed, abused...
I really hate to come off like all the self-righteous, fire-breathing vegetarians who only have brain enough to recite what PETA has posted on their website. Unlike them, I actually have a brain.
I just know the look in my doggie's eyes when she had a hurt rib. And I know the look in my kitty's eyes when she is in pain. I don't need to recite the words of PETA or watch gruesome videos of slaughter houses to know that animals have a heart, a soul, and feelings...
-Martini
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
One Year...
Only weeks ago I reached a point in my life I didn't think I was ever worthy of.
April 23 was a milestone I cherish.
Even though dinner was simple, the company was all I wanted.
One year with someone who has stood with me through good and bad, thick and thin, making many beautiful memories along the way.
I look upon the past, realizing I am not the same person I was.
I've made many mistakes, but the biggest thing I've learned is that I have learn from my mistakes.
I have to make a choice not to continue to make them again.
I'm not the girl staying out at the bars late, drinking to rid myself of the emptiness I felt inside.
I'm not the girl prowling places in search of the suited, chunky, blonde.
I'm not the girl bragging about money, men, expensive brands of liquor.
I am not the girl I shaped myself to be for many years.
I am the girl who wants to be love.
I'm the girl who cries during children's movies.
I'm the girl who likes to be held.
I'm the girl who enjoys quiet nights, cooking dinner with my boyfriend.
This is me and I'm so happy I found someone who accepts this me.
I look upon the all the happy memories with fondness.
But moreso I look forward to the many adventures in the future.
I love you boo.
I'm glad I have you,
and only you...
April 23 was a milestone I cherish.
Even though dinner was simple, the company was all I wanted.
One year with someone who has stood with me through good and bad, thick and thin, making many beautiful memories along the way.
I look upon the past, realizing I am not the same person I was.
I've made many mistakes, but the biggest thing I've learned is that I have learn from my mistakes.
I have to make a choice not to continue to make them again.
I'm not the girl staying out at the bars late, drinking to rid myself of the emptiness I felt inside.
I'm not the girl prowling places in search of the suited, chunky, blonde.
I'm not the girl bragging about money, men, expensive brands of liquor.
I am not the girl I shaped myself to be for many years.
I am the girl who wants to be love.
I'm the girl who cries during children's movies.
I'm the girl who likes to be held.
I'm the girl who enjoys quiet nights, cooking dinner with my boyfriend.
This is me and I'm so happy I found someone who accepts this me.
I look upon the all the happy memories with fondness.
But moreso I look forward to the many adventures in the future.
I love you boo.
I'm glad I have you,
and only you...
Monday, April 2, 2012
It's Raining
Here I sit, listening to the rain.
Uncomfortable, I sit in bed knowing I have to be up early and still not feeling the least bit tired.
Most times I don't mind the rain, it can be soothing, tranquil,
Tonight it is nothing more than a nuisance, leaving me to feel uneasy while I lay in bed.
...And I miss him.
Less than 24 hours since I left his arms
and it feels like it has been days...
The minute I leave on Monday morning I start counting the hours until Friday night when I can be near him again...
Never thought I'd see myself like this.
And even though years ago I'd be to embarrassed to admit it.
I now am finally able to embrace it.
I love you...
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Spotting D-Bags on the Net
How to spot douchebags on the Internet:
I’ve spent my fair share of time on the Internet. I’ve been on sites anywhere from MySpace to Facebook and even went through a spell of joining any and every dating site imaginable. I believe I have a good grasp of how to pick out a jackass when I see one. This is a list of people that I automatically click the “ignore” button on. Congrats here’s your douchebag card!
Shirtless wonder boy
What I would consider to be the biggest douche of them all. Why show your face when you have a nicely sculpted torso, right? Wrong? So who cares if your high school crush married a fat guy, now’s the time to show her what’s up. She’s at home cuddling up next to her husband and you’re alone in your bedroom gawking at your body. Now, is it really that odd when everyone seems to question your sexuality?
Military Man
You know how to make the women swoon. You know it’s not flowers, tender words, or a charming personality. You’ve figured out that the real way into a woman’s heart is camouflage. Pose wearing that garb in your bedroom, show her you’re no coward when it comes to killing a man just to defend the country ...The reason you joined the military was to get hot chicks, right?
Future AA member
Sure you like to drink, 74% of Americans do too. Displaying a picture of you pounding down a bottle larger than your head is not going to impress anyone. Most will remark at how ignorant you are, while the others will wonder what the hangover the next morning was like. Don’t worry, once the people behind the camera cheering you on land successful jobs in the real world, you will find a nice group of buddies at your Monday night AA meetings.
Car guy
Your obsession with your car is borderlining on the point where you find yourself leaning over the hood whispering sweet nothings into the carburetor. Now that you’ve set your car to be your profile picture it makes me wonder, does your car define you? Do you toss and turn at night worried about your car’s safety while it is parked alone in the garage? You love your girlfriend, but don’t let her get in the way of Becky, your 1995 Camaro.
Trailer park fattie
You had no hope to begin with so why even try? Display that triple chin with pride, and when you talk to the ladies make sure you say the crudest thing you can think of. Comment on her female anatomy using every derogative slang term you can think of... ‘Cuz that’s the way ma talks to pa!
Most of these photos are ones that I found on my profiles. I know from personal experience and interaction exactly what these types are like. I don’t need to stereotype, you’ve already done it yourself by putting yourself out there on the Internet. It was no mistake that you took a picture of yourself in front of a mirror with your shirt unbuttoned. You did it because you wanted to portray a certain image of yourself. I hear so many guys that talk about how they can’t get a girl because all the girls judge them. Here’s a solution: if you don’t want people to think you’re a douche, don’t be one! Simple as that! I guarantee you, if you put a picture of you smiling, enjoying life, you’ll get more girls than if you put one up of your rock solid abs.
I’ve spent my fair share of time on the Internet. I’ve been on sites anywhere from MySpace to Facebook and even went through a spell of joining any and every dating site imaginable. I believe I have a good grasp of how to pick out a jackass when I see one. This is a list of people that I automatically click the “ignore” button on. Congrats here’s your douchebag card!
Shirtless wonder boy
What I would consider to be the biggest douche of them all. Why show your face when you have a nicely sculpted torso, right? Wrong? So who cares if your high school crush married a fat guy, now’s the time to show her what’s up. She’s at home cuddling up next to her husband and you’re alone in your bedroom gawking at your body. Now, is it really that odd when everyone seems to question your sexuality?
Military Man
You know how to make the women swoon. You know it’s not flowers, tender words, or a charming personality. You’ve figured out that the real way into a woman’s heart is camouflage. Pose wearing that garb in your bedroom, show her you’re no coward when it comes to killing a man just to defend the country ...The reason you joined the military was to get hot chicks, right?
Future AA member
Sure you like to drink, 74% of Americans do too. Displaying a picture of you pounding down a bottle larger than your head is not going to impress anyone. Most will remark at how ignorant you are, while the others will wonder what the hangover the next morning was like. Don’t worry, once the people behind the camera cheering you on land successful jobs in the real world, you will find a nice group of buddies at your Monday night AA meetings.
Car guy
Your obsession with your car is borderlining on the point where you find yourself leaning over the hood whispering sweet nothings into the carburetor. Now that you’ve set your car to be your profile picture it makes me wonder, does your car define you? Do you toss and turn at night worried about your car’s safety while it is parked alone in the garage? You love your girlfriend, but don’t let her get in the way of Becky, your 1995 Camaro.
Trailer park fattie
You had no hope to begin with so why even try? Display that triple chin with pride, and when you talk to the ladies make sure you say the crudest thing you can think of. Comment on her female anatomy using every derogative slang term you can think of... ‘Cuz that’s the way ma talks to pa!
Most of these photos are ones that I found on my profiles. I know from personal experience and interaction exactly what these types are like. I don’t need to stereotype, you’ve already done it yourself by putting yourself out there on the Internet. It was no mistake that you took a picture of yourself in front of a mirror with your shirt unbuttoned. You did it because you wanted to portray a certain image of yourself. I hear so many guys that talk about how they can’t get a girl because all the girls judge them. Here’s a solution: if you don’t want people to think you’re a douche, don’t be one! Simple as that! I guarantee you, if you put a picture of you smiling, enjoying life, you’ll get more girls than if you put one up of your rock solid abs.
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