...How Dare You, I Miss You...

This is definitely the hardest post I've ever made.
By far the most difficult weekend I've ever experienced.

Saturday July 21, 2012 I received the call I had dreaded all my life.
At 11:06 am a voicemail was left on my phone, my mother in tears, telling me to call her back. The worst thoughts crossed my mind. Was my father in a motorcycle accident? Had one of my grandparents passed away? Frantically, I dressed and prepared myself, expecting to have to rush to the hospital.

My mother returned my follow up call about 15 minutes later. When I heard my father's voice in the background and heard my mom stammer the words "This morning we got a call from the vet..." I knew what had happened but not at all prepared to deal it.

"Betsy passed this morning."

Everything to follow seems to be a blur. I remember screaming out "No, this isn't happening..." then crying hysterically, pacing the house, not knowing how to express the grief laid upon me by 4 words.

As cliche as this sounds, Betsy was more than a dog. She was a best friend, a companion, a warm shoulder to lean on when I felt my world was falling apart. No matter what scandalous bitch I was involved with or how badly people in the outside world were treating me, she loved me unconditionally. Even during the times I felt no one loved me, and I had no one turn to, I knew I had her. I never hurt that puppy and I would have given her everything. Even when it meant I would get in trouble for letting her lay on my blankets or letting her sleep in bed with me I made sure that she was comfortable and knew that she was loved.

It wasn't her time. She had a lot of life left in her. She was a trooper. She survived cancer. She endured the pain of a cracked rib. She lost the majority of her front teeth due to periodontal disease and at times it was difficult and painful for her to eat. She would skip meals up until the point she would begin to vomit. She had benign tumors all over her body. But no matter how much pain she was in she was so happy to be around her family. While I was away on the weekends the entire time she would stand at the front door and wait for me to arrive. When I walked in the door I watched her face light up and from there she'd always follow me into my room where I'd change my clothes and unwind for the evening.

Call me crazy, but from the moment she left for the vet on Wednesday morning I had a sick sense that something bad was going to happen. Even Friday evening when I arrived at my boyfriend's house he said that I was acting strange. He said that I was being abnormally quiet and followed him around the house "like a puppy" while he got ready for work. I repeatedly spoke the words "I miss my Betsy." Even earlier that week, after a dispute about me leaving the laundry room door open because I didn't want Betsy to get too hot I remember telling my mom I did it because "I don't want Betsy to die." The response "Betsy is not going to die" continues to play like record inside my head. I cared about that little girl, I worried about her, and loved her with my entire heart, and then some...

I did not trust the veterinary clinic that she went to. One of the first weeks she was sent there while my family was on vacation she returned thin as a rail and lethargic because they had "forgot" to feed her. So quite honestly it was no surprise to discover that there was a possibility that she was allergic to the shots that they gave her. It doesn't make any sense at all that my perfectly healthy puppy went in for a stay and ended up dead.

In a way, I'm still waiting to be woken from this horrible nightmare. When I walk in the door I still think she's going to run around the corner to greet me with a big smile on her face. When I dangle my hand off the couch I still expect to feel her furry body laying on the floor beside me. This morning I heard breathing and I looked down at my floor expecting to see her and all I saw was an empty blanket.

I will never forget what happened, nor will I ever forgive the veterinarians for the negligence on their behalf. They took her life and expressed no sympathy and responsibility for the loss.

If doggies go to heaven I know Betsy is looking down at me and can see just how much I love her and how much joy she brought into my life.

I miss you more than words can express...