Good Things Do Happen...

Been a couple days since I've been on here.

Miss me? Probably not, cuz no one reads these. I'm assuming that's a good thing.

Quite a bit has happened. Lots of good stuff this time actually.

Got a new automobile, and I mean brand spankin' new... It's freakin sweet!

In the process discovered I hold a really good credit score which in fact may have made me happier than the car did...Well, maybe not...

Love life is still bone dry. Nothing to report there. I think I've just finally given up. Mr. hottie-pants-big-shot-manager and I don't stand a chance and I don't wanna risk putting myself out there again only to be used by some nitwit who is more into the money in my account or the car parked in my drive than my heart and soul. It's just not worth it.

There's a deep reason why I don't "wear my heart on my sleeve." Why I don't let it be known when I like someone. It's been in my history that when I let a guy know I like him it seems he takes it and uses it only to his advantage. He obtains this mindset "Well, she likes me, I'm going to get the most out of it until I leave her because I really don't like her anyway." The guys I attract and the guys I like are two polar opposites. I've come to the conclusion that there will never be any middle ground. So I've officially given up this uphill battle of finding a "so-called" soulmate in life.

With that said, I'm going to pass out while watching episodes of South Park and having more dreams about dreaming... Isn't that the weirdest thing. I thought I had lost my mind when it happened. I wake up in a dream, then wake up again in real life. What the hell... And don't you hate it when you have a dream about someone you work with, then when you see them the next day you feel all awkward. It's kind of like that feeling you get when you do something that you know you shouldn't be doing and you get all red in the face. And if you know me, you know that it doesn't take much to get me flustered...

Anyhoo... bedtime for me.

There's Crazy, Then There's Me

I should be sleeping. I have to take my Jeep in tomorrow to get detailed bright and early tomorrow morning...

I'm listening to Diary of Dreams and reminiscing, reading old blog entries that my ex posted about me. I'm sure I shouldn't say that too loud or he'll probably block me from there as well. Just as he deleted his facebook due to a harmless message I sent him awhile ago. It's only natural that we as humans wonder how someone who was once so close to us has grown and developed after a relationship has ended.

Grow and develop is an understatement for me. I went from being a vegetarian, socialist, non-believer while I was with him to where I am now. Isn't it odd that someone you pray to be in your life can bring you farther away from the God that brought you to them. Now, I have found myself in that same position, taking long night drives, crying to God to bring someone into my life who will displace this sadness that I have felt progressing for several months.

I have many friends who are non-believers and I'm sure you will all laugh when you read this, so laugh. I cannot fool myself to believe that everything happens based on mere coincidence and not for certain reasons, like I believe do.

Lately I feel as if I can't do anything right. My bosses are constantly picking out mistakes, my friends don't really talk to me anymore, not to mention that if I was to talk to a boy I would more than likely be screwing that up tremendously as well. It's probably a good thing I haven't talked to my family in a couple days. I'm sure they'd be mad about something as well. I haven't really made any friends at my new job. Partly due to the fact that I haven't really warmed up to them, and party because I don't think they really like me. Don't blame me for wanting to constantly sleep. It's a good thing I can't remember my dreams, they'd probably upset me as equally as reality does.

I sit here and blog, and talk to myself, and play music... Sometimes I feel insane. Then, I go to work to be comforted that there are people far more insane than I. Instead of sitting here talking to my MacBook I could be one of those people rubbing on a slot machine all day long waiting for my "lucky break." Fortunately, I have come to realize that there are no lucky breaks for people like me. Work hard to not get very far, then learn to be thankful for the little things you have and the opportunities to enjoy life while they come.

Going to watch Ghost Hunters and hope that hot Steve does something quirky to cheer me up.

Made My Night

It pretty much made my night that he came up and talked to me... Even if it wasn't one on one... Even if he did walk away mid way into the conversation.

Shows how lame I really am...

Besides, I should probably stop talking about this before it gets into the wrong hands and word gets out. That would be messy...

"Ya man, she blogs about you..."

"What a weirdo..."

I can see it now. Not pretty.

Nothing's Changed

So I finally cleaned things up around here. Guess I've been watching too many episodes of Hoarders and realized how bad things really were. Do I really need all 25 Crown Royal bags that I got from work? No... But now my chair is clean so now I'm siting at my iMac and writing this.

I work at 9 tomorrow morning but I couldn't really sleep. Lately I've been so sad and depressed. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness. I always want what I can't have and I'm not courageous enough to reach out to get what I can have. This is nothing new to me. I felt these same feelings back in high school crying alone in my room, writing in my journal, and hanging onto the lyrics of all the Korn songs relating to solitude and despair. Now I sit here in front of my iMac, listening to Placebo, and beating myself up for every imperfection I possess.

Then I look, I'm too old for this. Most girls my age are married, house full of kids, bills stacked up on the coffee table. Me, I'm sitting here worrying about what someone said or didn't say. Wondering what he thought about me. Playing out the next failed attempt. Pondering if the next time I fall will I get up again.

Its a sick story. I barely know someone and I'm already taken by them. He could knock me over with a feather. Its not right. Its not normal. I should ignore it, never speak of it again. Forget what I felt when I saw him walk in the room. Forget the way I wanted to melt into his eyes and fall into his arms, forget the experience in its entirety.

This is not me. Me, I'm all about money, new cars, new computers, grey goose, drunken nights and forgotten words with hot blondes that I forget exist the next day. I changed myself to protect me from these feelings, then when they emerge again I buy something extravagant to erase the pain and memories they return.

I honestly just want to hide under this rock of my bedroom, not to emerge for about a week. Watch every depressing movie I can find, and listen to The Fragile on repeat. I've been alone for a year. I thought I'd know myself by then. I thought I'd realize what it is I really want. Well, I know what I want, but what it is that I want and what I am given are two very different things. I went from having someone who avoid me for days to finish a novel to having someone who would avoid me for weeks to fornicate with teenagers. Things haven't gotten any better no much how I can pretend to fool myself.

I don't know how many more times I can endure this pain...

Stout, Fair, and Interesting

Don't you hate it when you think someone is really gorgeous, then they get close and you realize they're not all that attractive. This totally happened to me tonight. I've been totally into the guy, trying to build up the courage to say something then saw him up close and noticed that he has terrible skin and really not all that good looking as my mind thought he was. So really disappointing. I'm not one to be picky about skin. Mine has seen its better days, but something about dudes with bad skin is just, I dunno, odd. Girls, it's somewhat more common. We have all these nasty hormones and oils and weird shit going on. With dudes it's different and who knows what causes it... Maybe genetics??

So deal breaker? I dunno. Maybe if we had a decent conversation, had lots of stuff in common, and he liked me, but that's just silly talk. We'll probably never talk to each other. Probably a good thing sense I have a way with screwing things up beyond repair.

I'll just sit here and wait until my stout, fair, and interesting comes along. (Opposite of tall, dark, and handsome)

Nevertheless, I have Lady Gaga tickets. It indeed will be an experience. I missed Britney when she was on tour. I'm not going to miss Gaga!!

Animal Instincts

Word of advice:

Always weigh yourself after peeing and before having a beer.

...It just wouldn't be accurate otherwise ;-)

I'm down to a solid 160. *gasp* Yes, I mentioned my weight on a public site. I'm not proud of it. I've never been the type to embrace my size. I've always hated being bigger. The only time I've ever been under 150 was when I was nearing eating disorder, and at the lowest I was around 105. As much as I hate to admit it, it has really become a confidence issue. I feel like I'm always comparing myself with others. Then when I see big girls with attractive men I just sit wondering "What does she have that I don't?" I don't even want to be referred to as "big," "chunky," "voluptuous," "curvy," oh and my new favorite "thick." They all equal one word: "FAT."

The saying always goes that "It's what is on the inside that counts." I don't believe that's true the least bit. This little thing called animal instinct takes over, causing our senses to be more receptive than mental stimulation. Guys don't want to take home a girl that he thinks might squash him. Sorry to be so explicit but we can't deny it's not true.

So ya... whole point was about me struggling with appearance issues, but I'm getting freaking tired so I'll finish this on a later date.

I'm An Expert Eavesdropper

I got told today that my blogs are highly entertaining...

So why is it that I still have no comments? This indeed makes me very sad. So, if I do have readers out there stop being little lurkers and say "hi." Pleeeeease!! :-)

Anyhoo. Tonight was pretty dull. My boss has disappeared and no one knows what happened. Ooooh workplace suspense... I hate drama. I just eavesdrop. I'm not a big instigator, I don't eavesdrop and then spread the word to everyone else, I just listen for my own personal observations. I'm not a shy eavesdropper either. People will ask "What are you doing?" "Oh, I'm just listening in on your conversation. No worries." I'm naturally a curious person, nothing wrong with that. Don't take me shopping, I'm one of those people, I have to stop and touch anything that catches my eye.

I also do it just for the lack of entertainment at work. Like tonight I listened to this girl go on and on about how fit she is. I walk around to the other side of the bar to wipe the counter and there her fat ass is literally hanging out of her jeans. I mean, really now, I know my butt hangs out of my jeans probably more often than it should but I'm not out bragging about my hot body. We all know it's not hot anyway...

Recall in my last blog how I mentioned the men that find me attractive. Well, add cowboys to that list. This really boggles my mind. I am completely the opposite of country! Nonetheless, I can't stand cowboys. Blech. Some nights especially I just think of Carol and how she'd be in heaven surrounded by these western warriors.

It just occurred to me tonight that it is indeed spring break. Therefore I will have to endure seeing all the people from high school that I did not care to see again. Oh joy...

Well, 12 hour day tomorrow. Lucky me...

Blogging to Ignore Hunger

I'm freakin hungry so I'm gonna blog to get my mind off my belly.

Between the old men and the guatemalans I'm getting tired of being hit on. Why can't one nice hot blonde ask me out and that'd make up for everything... But no, I must endure the torture. I'm getting pretty damn good at turning people down though.

The good news is I might still stand a chance with my attractive fellow coworker. I caught him lookin a couple times. Of course, he came up to me and I just stood there like a dumbass. He was being too sweet for me to use some dumb pick up like. And if I don't have some lame joke, I got nothing.

An old guy said something to me last night that made sense. He asked me out for dinner and of course I say no, but after he asked he said this: "Well, I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask. When you don't ask the answer is always 'no.'" It's really true. I just need to learn to develop that attitude. It seems that I only have the courage to really make any sort of advancement is when I've been fueling up on liquid courage all night. Since drinking isn't allowed on the job I guess I'm going to have to buck up or just accept the loss.

So someone was complaining about my skirt once again... Damn, just leave the fat girl alone with her cookies. It's a casino, not Disney World. Makes me feel like dressing up like one of those Las Vegas showgirls to just spite them. People always have to have something to complain about and I seem to be an easy target.

Time change is going to have me screwed up for the entirety of this week. Lucky me.

Gonna watch more Ghost Hunters and drool over hot Steve... nom, nom, nom.

Confidentiality is No Fun

Still working on my layout. I fail at CSS coding. It will be complete...eventually.

So tonight I was informed that we are not allowed to blog or post happenings about my place of employment on the internet. Guess now from here on out I will have to leave out specifics and keep everyone anonymous in my blogs. What's the fun in that anyway...

If any of you were wondering, I never did build up the courage to use my awesome pick up line. However, things got pretty unfavorable for me the other day. A friend of aforementioned coworker was talking to me, very flirtatiously, a couple nights ago. Not only was he flirting with me, but also several other girls. "Isn't he married?" I remark to another. I then send her to ask him, since if I asked it would appear as if I'm interested...and I'm not. So she asks him, after telling her that he is indeed married he asks "who wants to know?" She then replies that it is I that asked. So immediately inflated male ego, and he believes that I want his slutty married ass. No thanks. Which is bad for me, since I'm sure that he told his cute friend that I was asking if he's married. Fail, fail, fail. Now, if I even do decide to confront cute boy he's going to think that I'm just going from one guy to the next. Not cool. This is such my luck. Reason number 219 why I'm single.

It's okay. I get more satisfaction from sitting at home coding and photoshopping. By far, less headache as well.

Even more sad, my Jeep is in the shop. I miss my baby... And until I get it back I'm pimpin a big white minivan. I feel like my ex-boyfriend who indeed owned a white minivan. Super lame. I've never seen a single man as proud as he was to own a minivan. In fact, I saw pictures of him recently, lookin all thin and shit. Go eat a tofu burger. Blech. No thin guy is my type of guy...

Day off tomorrow... Going to get my beauty sleep... Yay!!

Work in Progress

So I was hoping to get some rest on my night off. However, due to my OCD that was not the case. I've been working on my template and background all night. Unfortunately it's still not the way I want it. Tomorrow I'm sure you all can figure out what I'll be doing.

Nonetheless, I hope you all like it so far even though I still have a long way to go.

Epic Pick-Up Lines

Tonight I developed the best pick up line ever...

After 2 coffees and an energy drink I'm sitting at my bar talking to my friend Chris. I was telling him about this cute slot tech guy. The thing is that he seems like a real serious guy. I've never seen him smile, rather give this cocky little smirk like "I know what I'm doing and you don't" which I LOVE. I love watching him work. It gives my night some entertainment. So anyway, I was telling Chris that one day I should just get over my shyness and go talk to him. Say something like "You do your job so well. I watch you work all the time." We then realized that saying that would make me sound like a complete stalker and would probably be followed with me being banned for harassment. The only good thing about this would be that after I say it he'd probably give me one of those *raised eyebrow* looks which makes my heart go a pitter-patter.

Well, it gets better... Chris was asking about the little lights on top of the slot machines. I told him that I think if you push the service button the light comes on. So, this is when epicness is born. I told Chris that I would definitely get this guys' attention if I say something along the lines of this: "So, I keep pushing this button but you haven't shown up to service my slots." Not only would I most likely get fired for sexual harassment but it would be freaking epic. He would probably talk about me for a very long time afterward as well.

Speaking of bad pick-ups. There were two army guys sitting at my bar, we were all just chit-chatting, real laid back like. Two crazy girls come up and start hitting on them. One was talking about how supposedly she was a cowgirl. "Ya, I have cattle. I love my cattle. One of them died today I was so sad I almost cried. I love my cattle. I'm totally a cowgirl." After she says this I'm standing behind the bar trying so hard to hold back hysteria. I burst out laughing so hard tears almost came to my eyes. It was horrible. The poor guys, both married I may add, were absolutely baffled by the girls and got a big sigh of relief when they finally went home.

So, fun times being a bartender. I've definitely seen a lot of weird, funny, and awkward things in the short time I've worked there.

Also, I think the casino is haunted. I keep hearing voices. And I know for sure that I'm not the only one. Yesterday I was sitting at the restaurant bar counting my tips. I hear this voice that sounded like it was standing right next to me say my name. This isn't the first time this has happened either. However, I just ignored it. When you work 12 hour shifts you start to think that you're losing your mind anyway. This was so close that I couldn't help but take notice. Its just so bizarre. This type of stuff never happens to me. And no, I haven't been watching too much ghost hunters. I believe this really happened...

Well, I better take out. Gotta do another 12 hour tomorrow. Fun times. Not!!

-Martini

Today I...

Today I held 2,000 in 20 dollar bills in my hand *drool*

I'm taking them to the bank tomorrow...

Today I went to the cashier with $3 and left with $18.

A nice guy gave me $15 worth of chips and said he wouldn't be using them.

Today I had 3 guys bet what color panties I was wearing.

They all lost and I made $3 :-)

Today I have to work a 12 hour shift.

I should be sleeping.

Today I almost died laughing.

A girl was talking to a cowboy. She says "I own cattle, they're so cute! I love my cattle!"

Today I should be expecting packages.

I really forgot everything that I ordered.

Today I realized how much I make every month.

Unfortunately I work too much to enjoy my money.

Today I developed another pet peeve.

I hate when guys ask if I'm married... It makes me feel old.

Today I am glad I am alone.