Nothing's Changed

So I finally cleaned things up around here. Guess I've been watching too many episodes of Hoarders and realized how bad things really were. Do I really need all 25 Crown Royal bags that I got from work? No... But now my chair is clean so now I'm siting at my iMac and writing this.

I work at 9 tomorrow morning but I couldn't really sleep. Lately I've been so sad and depressed. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness. I always want what I can't have and I'm not courageous enough to reach out to get what I can have. This is nothing new to me. I felt these same feelings back in high school crying alone in my room, writing in my journal, and hanging onto the lyrics of all the Korn songs relating to solitude and despair. Now I sit here in front of my iMac, listening to Placebo, and beating myself up for every imperfection I possess.

Then I look, I'm too old for this. Most girls my age are married, house full of kids, bills stacked up on the coffee table. Me, I'm sitting here worrying about what someone said or didn't say. Wondering what he thought about me. Playing out the next failed attempt. Pondering if the next time I fall will I get up again.

Its a sick story. I barely know someone and I'm already taken by them. He could knock me over with a feather. Its not right. Its not normal. I should ignore it, never speak of it again. Forget what I felt when I saw him walk in the room. Forget the way I wanted to melt into his eyes and fall into his arms, forget the experience in its entirety.

This is not me. Me, I'm all about money, new cars, new computers, grey goose, drunken nights and forgotten words with hot blondes that I forget exist the next day. I changed myself to protect me from these feelings, then when they emerge again I buy something extravagant to erase the pain and memories they return.

I honestly just want to hide under this rock of my bedroom, not to emerge for about a week. Watch every depressing movie I can find, and listen to The Fragile on repeat. I've been alone for a year. I thought I'd know myself by then. I thought I'd realize what it is I really want. Well, I know what I want, but what it is that I want and what I am given are two very different things. I went from having someone who avoid me for days to finish a novel to having someone who would avoid me for weeks to fornicate with teenagers. Things haven't gotten any better no much how I can pretend to fool myself.

I don't know how many more times I can endure this pain...