Remember me...

Remember one of the final the episodes of Nip/Tuck where Kimber jumped overboard because she realized that everyone she ever loved never loved her the same in return...

That's exactly how I feel right now.

All those words that I believed were true turned out to be a lie.

I just wish I had a ship to jump....

I Go Hard in the Paint!

Thank you Jenny for the enlightening words this afternoon...

I spend all this time telling myself that I am a beautiful person inside and out but saying things and believing them are two completely different things. In simpler words, she said this: "You are beautiful, smart, and you have a good job. If people can't see that they are a fool."

For many days, I sat trying to figure out why I'm so confused about the circumstances that occur in my life. While driving home one afternoon an epiphany of sorts hit me. I realized that it is not I that is confused, rather, it is the people whom surround me who are confused. As scary as it sounds, I know exactly what I want. I know what kind of career I want, what kind of guy I desire to be with, where I want to live, I can even go as far as to tell you in what apartment and in which neighborhood I want to live. So, it completely aggrivates me when someone assumes that because I'm only 22 years old I don't know which direction I plan to take with my life. Granted, I'm not saying that it's a horrible thing to be confused. Some people spend their whole lives trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives. I didn't make a plethora of mistakes to not learn from them. I didn't take the hard road to end up back at the bottom of the hill... This is not saying that I have experienced everything that I need to experience however, I have my whole life for that, rather, I have set my goals and have every intent to acheive them.

I looked around at work this evening, everyone looks so lonely. Their external state reflects exactly how I feel on the inside. Ok, lonely isn't the best word, moreso "isolated." One of the many reasons I hated bartending was the fact that I felt I had to dumb myself down to communicate with people. I soon discovered how unilateral people in this area are, many of them don't know how to find enjoyment outside of the bar, without a drink in their hands. Which is why I, too often, have a hard time relating to others.

I like to consider myself somewhat of a a diverse person. Take my iPod for example. I have just about everything you could think of. From obscure industrial to french opera, Britney to Jeezy, Iron and Wine to Armin van Buuren... And not just my taste in music is diverse. I have my nerdy tendencies but I love to go shopping just as much as every other girl. I find it so difficult to find people, especially here, who are just as open-minded and diverse. I look for someone who enjoys the finer things in life just as I do. Someone who appreciates fine dining and live theatre, yet also embraces a bit of adventure like fast cars, parties that last until 5 in the morning, and traveling to far-away places. While I am very much an independent person and have embraced the single life to extreme, unfortunately for me, it is not so fun to enjoy prime rib and martinis at a candlelit table alone.

My advice to everyone as of late has been: "if you want something in your life to happen, make it happen." Trust me, I know there are hundreds of obstacles that can stand in the pathway to success and happiness but I believe that if you want something badly enough you can, in due time, overcome those obstructions. I'm not into chasing unicorns and rainbows (the impossible) but the things I can control I have controlled them in my favor. Then again, I've said this so many times to so many different people that I feel like a broken record, so I'll just shut up...

On a different note, I am 10 pounds away from my goal weight. Woohoo!! I was going through my closet trying to find clothes that fit, I stumbled upon all my old dresses and, incredibly, they fit! Now, I just need a special occasion to wear them to!

Success!!!

Remember awhile ago when I mentioned those favorite jeans that I wanted to fit in again so badly?

I got really brave this evening and tried them on...

They fit!

A very tight fit, but a fit nonetheless...

So shocked, I wanted to cry!

I've lost a total of 32 pounds...

My goal is still so far away and the closer I get the harder I have to fight.

I've never been 100 percent content with my appearance. There are many days I don't even want to look in the mirror and even more days I want to throw the scale out the window. To make it even worse people are not the least bit shy about stating the obvious with remarks and insults, even at times without trying. (Get ready for the rant part of this blog)

I was so so so sick of the comment "she's pretty for a big girl." No one could ever just say "She's pretty," they had to add those last four words which diminished the point of even making a compliment. Either you're pretty or not, that's about the same as saying: "She's pretty for a redhead," which I interpret as, you don't like redheads but you might possibly make an exception for this one.

Now here's what I really hate: all the guys that say "You're so thick" or "You got some thick legs." Really, what the hell is that about? I absolutely despise that word, not only because it's another "fat" word, moreso because it makes me feel like a slab of beef; something you might see on a TV commercial "Our select ribeyes are thick and juicy, grilled to perfection!" Now, pardon my language, but "I aint no motha fuckin ribeye... I'm a lady."

So I know that these remarks are not going to go away any time in the near future and I'm pretty sure that may even become more absurd. However, I just hope that soon no one will have reason to make them to me...

Now here's some happy music that always makes me want to dance

*big grin!!*

So Pretty!

My new layout is amazing

Just saying...

Actually I just modified my twitter background to use here.

Lazy move until I can create something new and even more epic.

Couldn't stop writing...

Yay! My internet is finally working properly. The past 2 days I couldn't stay connected due to my lovely service provider. Thank goodness for my dear iPhone which keeps me connected to the outside world.
Of course, like me, even with my net finally working I'm not getting anything I wanted to accomplish done. Instead, I'm once again reading nonsense on the net. And what better nonsense is there than reading horoscopes. Today mine said something about feeling a bit of anxiety at work. Sure, fair enough, I did. SDS crashed tonight and my fellow IT coworkers failed to give me access to the system. But other than that it was a good day.

So, astrology.com, what else can you tell me about myself that I already know?
"Capricorn is disinterested in risk, but more in terms of money and career." I really couldn't have said it better myself. When I got offered my new job, I hardly thought twice about the risks involved. I jumped in head first and accepted the offer. But when it comes to asking hot boys out for a drink, forget about it. I'd rather be chased by a hungry bear...Well, maybe not so much a hungry bear, but you get the idea...

I think of risk like this: if the desired result will exceed the amount of effort I put into such a task then the risk is worth taking. People always tell me, "You'll always wonder what the outcome will be if you don't take the risk," while looking at me with wide eyes as if urging me to do something which in turn could make me look like quite a fool. This is exactly what was said to me not too long ago while sitting at one of my favorite restaurants. Staring at my iPhone ominously, I sat weighing the options which were too simple, but with my thought process, it did take thirty, if not more, minutes to finally come to a conclusion. So do I always wonder about outcomes of risks not taken, you may ask? In fact I do. There's so many times I look back and think: "What if I had expressed my feelings a little more?" Or even way back in high school, would I have got that solo if I tried out for it; or would I have been chosen for that role in the play if I had auditioned...

However, rejection leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. The memories of me taking a chance and failing always outlast thoughts of curiosity about chances I could have taken. In those instances I find myself saying "What if I hadn't done that?" which is a very counter-productive thought.

Another thing, I'm so sick of the cliche idea that people who aren't risk takers are boring. I'm boring but that's because I'm simple-minded. It doesn't usually take much to make me happy. Give me my computer, some tunes, good company when I need it and I'm set. If you ask me, those people that sit at the slot machines all night are boring, they're taking a risk however that does not mean that the risk is any bit thrilling or exciting. I consider myself to be adventurous to an extent, I'll try something until I decide that I do not like it. Once, I drove across the state to meet someone, while many people exclaimed that I was quite "brave," I didn't feel that risk was all that large. Just as, the things I find to be jeopardous, many others do not. Simply put, risk is defined by the risk taker.

(By the way, my Mac thinks that jeopardous is misspelled... This makes me believe that my spelling skills are superior hahaha!)

And all that because I decided to read my horoscope...
Pretty lame.

Oh I finally started to appreciate A Perfect Circle this week. Everyone always asked me why I am not a fan since I listen to Tool. Besides the fact that these people don't realize that the two bands have completely different styles. (It's the epic vocals which get me!) Anyway, I guess it just had to take the right song for me to like APC. Another band I just got into recently is Alice in Chains. Weird, I know, considering my iPod is full of similar bands. It was actually the scandalous bitch who introduced me to them since that is his favorite band. But most of all, I've been filling my head with trance/electro jams this week. Always good summer night driving music! Yummy!!




"Pay no mind what other voices say
They don't care about you, like I do.
Safe from pain, and truth, and choice, and other poison devils
See, they don't give a fuck about you, like I do"

So dark, yet so creepy...

Love it!

(insert bad joke)

Can't sleep...
Internet blog epic fail...
Why do I share my obscure thoughts with the world, when in fact, I do not want the world to know such thoughts?
Then again I have to ask myself why it is I am so strange; and secondly how did these odd thoughts and beliefs manifest in my head?
There's a possibility that I've seen far too much from the outside looking in. And an even bigger possibility that I'm simply a weirdo who spends far too much time in front of the computer allowing said thoughts to grow inside my mind.

With this said: Beer drunk is not fun. I'll stick to my Sapphires and tonics or my Goose and juice because Corona and lime has really gotten the best of me. Started out me wanting a hug, lead to me getting a little sad, then to me almost a bit teary-eyed, now I'm just all sorts of depressed... When in fact I have no reason to be... I'm graduating this semester! Finally... The world is my oyster. I can move on to better things such as: getting my bachelor's degree, getting one of those really nice office jobs with a city view, and working on my first attempt at marriage... Oh, and maybe adopting a pet...

Website Advice Fail...

As we all know, I have a terrible time figuring out when guys actually like me. It's been quite a problem of mine for a very long time. Years will pass and the certain guy will tell me "I used to think you were so cute. I always wondered why we never hung out." Of course, most of the time I discover this after it is too late to pursue any kind of love interest. So tonight I decided that this was the opportune time to read up on body language. Since most [straight] men aren't about going to tell me if they are interested in me or not, and I'm not about to start talking feelings anytime soon. How else am I supposed to figure out such mysteries...

Upon my reading I stumbled upon this sad material in the internets.
How to Become a Player
So the first thing that comes to my mind when I see the title of the page is: "If you have to read up on how to be a player on the internet you are definitely not a player. In fact, I may just be more of a player than you...

I always enjoy a good laugh so I keep reading this website. Like all chauvinistic male articles this one also advises men to avoid calling his lady friend the day after their date/encounter, best to wait at least 3 days. I don't know how many countless times I've heard/seen this horrible advice. Their reason for not calling the lady being it makes the male look desperate or bored. According to this women like guys that keep busy. There are many flawed things about this advice. If a guy I like waits 3 days to talk to me I assume that he didn't like me so therefore I move on. I have bigger fish to fry than wait for a guy to call me. I'll start the prowl all over again to find another one. Secondly, if a guy appears to be busy I'm going to assume that he has no time to pursue a relationship. I'm not a needy person, but why get involved with a woman if you do not have, or do not want to make the time, to devote to such relationship. I've been with those "busy" types before. Most of the time they were sitting at home playing video games or going out to the bar with friends. If that's what you consider "busy," I'm sorry, you have a very pathetic life.

Another thing it says is that if a woman offers to buy a guy a drink the guy can say that he's never drank before. In their perspective the woman will find this to be appealing to break the man's "alcohol virginity." If a grown man tells me he's never drank before I'm automatically turned off. I drink, I like to drink, I like to get drunk. I see nothing wrong with that, nor do I want another male judging me because I do drink. Not only that, but I automatically think that he's really immature or a prude. Neither of which I desire. Are we 15 here guys??

Nicknames will always be the death of me. I hate being called them, "beautiful," "sexy," "baby," if you call me a nickname, to me, you are automatically a douche who is trying way too hard. And for some reason, I don't trust people who chose to give me a nickname. I'm not "beautiful," why lie to my face... I wasn't comfortable with even my ex calling me "babe" until about after about 2 years. Even then when he did I always thought "You're calling me babe, you must want to get laid..." If you insist on giving me a nickname at least be creative...

Here comes the tricky part. This site mentions a great deal about taking ladies out to dinner. Now, when a guy asks me out to dinner I'm going to assume that he wants a chance to get to know me. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Ha, you're such a fool, if a guy asks you to dinner he's already making plans to get you back to his bedroom." What I do not understand is why a guy would want to take all that initiative to get into my undergarments. On the other hand, if a guy asks me "Want to come over and watch some movies?" I automatically know that he does not want to "watch movies" as it does not take two people to watch a movie... What I have always told guys is to make your intentions clear. If you want a relationship make that clear, and if you only want a casual thing let it be known. If you're interested in me don't say that you want my ass and take me home then get butthurt when I don't talk to you the next day. Or vice versa, by saying that you're interested and then blow me off when I ask when you want to meet up again... Lying does not make you more of a "player," it just makes you a deceiving asshole...

And the last point I'm going to rant on, even though I could go on about this all night. This website even goes into detail about what "players" should wear when trying to pick up ladies. "Stuff that 'bad boys' are expected to wear, you know... the guys that all women are uncontrollably attracted to. Wear these clothes and you'll get laid twice as often, if not more." Then it has an array of Ed Hardy shirts displayed. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Ed Hardy. It's like trailer park chic, but if I'm out on a date or at a club, that's the last thing I'm going to be wearing. As for the guys, if you're wearing Ed Hardy you are not a bad boy. You are a guy that tries way too hard to follow trends... Bad boys wear leather and doc martens... Me, even though my image may tell you differently, I prefer a well-dressed/well-kept guy. Guys in suits are like kryptonite to me...

So what is the moral of this post??
Don't take advice from dumb, poorly-designed websites. I'll give you better advice and you won't even have to pay me... I'll even guarantee that you have more luck taking a chick home than if you read that nonsense...

As for me figuring out about body language, as you can guess, I got totally distracted.
...Back to research...

Work in Progress...

I'm not the person you once knew
I'm not the same girl, I'm all brand new.
Look at me now, got money in my pocket
got one hand on the wheel.
Took a chance, made a change, held my breath
went against the grain.

I'm half your age, twice your fame
Say it twice, don't forget my name.
You used me once, but I used you twice.
My life's not a game, I'll roll your dice.


(I need to complete this one... Ya. But I'm tired...
I also need to vlog... but once again, I'm tired...)