I Go Hard in the Paint!

Thank you Jenny for the enlightening words this afternoon...

I spend all this time telling myself that I am a beautiful person inside and out but saying things and believing them are two completely different things. In simpler words, she said this: "You are beautiful, smart, and you have a good job. If people can't see that they are a fool."

For many days, I sat trying to figure out why I'm so confused about the circumstances that occur in my life. While driving home one afternoon an epiphany of sorts hit me. I realized that it is not I that is confused, rather, it is the people whom surround me who are confused. As scary as it sounds, I know exactly what I want. I know what kind of career I want, what kind of guy I desire to be with, where I want to live, I can even go as far as to tell you in what apartment and in which neighborhood I want to live. So, it completely aggrivates me when someone assumes that because I'm only 22 years old I don't know which direction I plan to take with my life. Granted, I'm not saying that it's a horrible thing to be confused. Some people spend their whole lives trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives. I didn't make a plethora of mistakes to not learn from them. I didn't take the hard road to end up back at the bottom of the hill... This is not saying that I have experienced everything that I need to experience however, I have my whole life for that, rather, I have set my goals and have every intent to acheive them.

I looked around at work this evening, everyone looks so lonely. Their external state reflects exactly how I feel on the inside. Ok, lonely isn't the best word, moreso "isolated." One of the many reasons I hated bartending was the fact that I felt I had to dumb myself down to communicate with people. I soon discovered how unilateral people in this area are, many of them don't know how to find enjoyment outside of the bar, without a drink in their hands. Which is why I, too often, have a hard time relating to others.

I like to consider myself somewhat of a a diverse person. Take my iPod for example. I have just about everything you could think of. From obscure industrial to french opera, Britney to Jeezy, Iron and Wine to Armin van Buuren... And not just my taste in music is diverse. I have my nerdy tendencies but I love to go shopping just as much as every other girl. I find it so difficult to find people, especially here, who are just as open-minded and diverse. I look for someone who enjoys the finer things in life just as I do. Someone who appreciates fine dining and live theatre, yet also embraces a bit of adventure like fast cars, parties that last until 5 in the morning, and traveling to far-away places. While I am very much an independent person and have embraced the single life to extreme, unfortunately for me, it is not so fun to enjoy prime rib and martinis at a candlelit table alone.

My advice to everyone as of late has been: "if you want something in your life to happen, make it happen." Trust me, I know there are hundreds of obstacles that can stand in the pathway to success and happiness but I believe that if you want something badly enough you can, in due time, overcome those obstructions. I'm not into chasing unicorns and rainbows (the impossible) but the things I can control I have controlled them in my favor. Then again, I've said this so many times to so many different people that I feel like a broken record, so I'll just shut up...

On a different note, I am 10 pounds away from my goal weight. Woohoo!! I was going through my closet trying to find clothes that fit, I stumbled upon all my old dresses and, incredibly, they fit! Now, I just need a special occasion to wear them to!