Pour Mon Panda Précieux

When I thought there was no hope left for me, when I thought love would never be, there you were standing right in front of me. You were all I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed. You are the heart and soul I truly need.

You made me feel things that I thought weren't even real. All this time longing for someone to love, and you're finally here. Someone to hold, someone to love, someone to cherish, someone to call my own.

The good morning messages when I wake up, the inside jokes that we share, all the loving words you use to comfort me when I'm down, these are the things that mean the most. Seeing your smile when I walk in the door. Knowing that my presence alone brings you joy is enough for me. I love you with every inch of my being.

When I hold you, I never want to let go. The butterflies I still feel, the way our hands fit together like a puzzle piece, the joy that fills my heart when you are here, I cannot deny that we are meant to be. You are exactly what I want and everything I need.


I remember that day so crystal clear
When you looked me in the eyes
and asked me to be yours.
Let's make this more than just a moment in time
Let's make this forever...
Let's make this our reality.


Je t'aime mon panda précieux <3

Solitude.

To miss someone...
You feel as if a part of you is gone.
Like someone removed a limb in most vicious fashion.

To drink away my sadness, I couldn't bear the fact
that you are not near to comfort the tears.
Why would I want to mask an emotion,
an internal feeling so true.

I continue to watch the hours pass
and dwell upon my fears.
I cannot think for myself
let alone can I feel.

What have I gotten into,
this blurry whirling haze.
The defeat to have control
of everything I've made.

There is no song sad enough
no tear large enough
to portray the mess
I've now become

Why is love so hard
why is loss so long
When all I need is
your arms to hold me now.

I'll count the seconds
I'll count the days
I'll count every breath
until you're right here.

Return to me soon my love
This vacancy in my heart is all too real.

To clarify

I just love how everyone has a solution for my life.
I am so sick of hearing the same old story: "Well you just need to get out of Kansas."
Not that I couldn't agree more, but up and leaving isn't going to cure anything. The fact that I don't have friends, the fact that I feel so unbearably bored with life, the fact that I would just love to be able to see, talk, and communicate with people close to me isn't going to change due to my location on Earth. Moving to a city where everything and everyone is foreign to me doesn't seem like the solution. Not only that, but while I make good money here, I still have financial responsibilities. I can't just up and leave. However, apparently people think I live a charmed life where everything is handed to me, a life in which I possess a never-ending supply of wealth.
...Here let me go pick some bills off of the money tree in my backyard.

I don't reach out to other's for sympathy, I quite frankly know I wouldn't get it. I just want someone to try to be a friend. Someone I can talk to and trust.
I'm so over the bar scene even though it seems everyone else's lives revolve around it. I don't miss waking up feeling like crap, passing out throwing my guts up, and spending ridiculous amounts of money on liquor which will be peed out the next morning. It seems pointless to me. I'm not saying I don't like to go out and drink. I still love going to martini bars and going to my favorite "hipster" spots but when it becomes an every weekend event, I get bored with it. Also, I find it rather obnoxious that the majority of people out here don't know how to have fun unless they're intoxicated. It only displays how narrow-minded people really are.

So maybe I'm all alone in this struggle. Maybe no one understands, cares, or desires to be a friend, a companion, someone close to me in this desolate life.
However, I find that hard to believe...

Irritating day

On a diet...Again.
Why couldn’t I be born with skinny genes?
So until I am able to fit into my new favorite pair of jeans I am stuck eating the dreaded “healthy” foods. And with my picky habits that doesn’t leave me with much to offer.
Anyway, point of the matter is that I go to buy some peaches from the peach truck and right as I enter the parking lot the peach truck starts driving off...No, peachman no!!! So now I have to go to Dillons and buy the inferior peaches you know, the ones covered in pesticides and have been peed on by illegal workers. And oh how you better inspect them carefully. You never know when a welfare mom is going to take her illegitimate children to the store and one is going to take a bite out of it then put it back with the rest of the bunch... Oh how I wish there was a Whole Foods nearby...

So I get to work and the day doesn’t improve from there. My boss is out so I’m left in charge of tomorrow’s training sessions. The very bad thing is that I don’t even know where to begin... I don’t even know if we’ll have a space available for the training. So tomorrow I get to pull my sleepy ass outta bed to come to work 4 hours early and pull off some last minute magic like I always do. The good news is that I have this weekend off. The bad news is that I won’t be able to do anything fun.
...Dieting sucks

Typically today I’d be all excited about going home to watch Ghost Hunters but my soulmate Steve has decided to go and get all thin, now it looks like he’s the ghost... not the ghost hunter.
Go eat a cheeseburger, Steve!

Stressing...
Stressing...
Stressing...
Guess I’ll destress when I’m dead, right?

-Martini

Big Girl Decisions...

Big news of the week:
 
I finally got an iPad! And it's officially my new best friend. I take it everywhere I go. It's odd to think that when they first came out I thought that I would have no use for one. Big misjudgement on my part. Now that I have it my MacBook Pro has become a paper weight. No, actually, I have it connected to my epic TV. I bought a wireless mouse and keyboard so I can view everything from a 40" screen. It's absolutely spectacular!
 
I graduated college... I'm up for a promotion... Life is, well, stressful.
 
All these advancements lead to making big girl decisions. Where do I want to get my Bachelor's? How much longer do I want to stay in Kansas? Should I just take a couple shots of Grey Goose and not worry about it? That sounds amazing right now but unfortunately no matter how much of it I would drink, I wouldn't find the answer at the bottom of the bottle. 
 
I've also been house hunting. I thought guys were hard to find in southwest Kansas...Pfft.Try finding a nice place to live. Freakin ridiculous!
Apartments are outrageously overpriced. I'm not going to pay $700 a month to live in Ghettoville. Sorry, but I like windows in my car...
I found a gorgeous town home today. It's pretty much my dream house. 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, 2 car garage, unfinished basement where I could have parties and not worry about messes, outdoor patio where I could (barely) cook my steak. I'd turn one of the bedrooms into my closet/dressing room. The other bedroom I could possibly turn into an office, make an area where I could do yoga and have all my equipment out... 
 
It's nice to dream. The problem is that I'm not satisfied with just dreaming; I want to make to make shit happen. I qualify for first-time home buyer's assistance. I could buy a house with no down payment and no closing costs. But is that something I really want to invest in, which then leads me back to those big girl decisions I mentioned above. 
 
I don't want to be that person that wakes up every morning thinking: "I shouldn't have gotten myself into a pit of debt." I'm not going to lie, there's been moments where I think "If I hadn't had bought a new car I wouldn't have a $450 car payment." But I love my baby so much that it's worth it to the point that I don't regret buying it nor do I find discomfort in making the monthly payment. I want to find a home, like my car, that I'm proud of, one I don't mind being in debt for. So until then, I will reside with my family until they finally kick me to the curb.
 
For now I'm going to play on my iPad and dream of cooking a big dinner for one in my spacious kitchen and sitting on my patio relaxing with a frosty Corona...

How Bizarre, How Bizarre...

I was totally going to try and take a nap before my boo calls once he gets off work tonight but my mind won't stop thinking, thinking loudly for that matter, so it doesn't look like that nap is going to take place.

Yes we know, Osama is dead... As far as this being the "greatest day in history," I disagree. I don't think it's very appropriate that we celebrate someone's death. Can we be thankful over the victory, yes but there's something about being humble that speaks louder than hearing newscasters shouting "OSAMA BIN LADEN IN DEAD...THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY IN HISTORY!" We have to raise above the enemy, not act just like him.
Then again, it was the Navy that found him...and those suits are just so damn cute ;-)

Today was bizarre... probably one of the most bizarre days of my life.

Once I calmed down from having to postpone my planned picnic once again due to my ignorance of planning it on Mother's Day, a day I, nor anyone else, would not be allowed to take off work. The drama begins.

I found out that Scandalous Bitch #2 is still running his mouth in attempt to make me look like a psycho. As always, there's two sides to the story. Leave out the part in which you come to my place of employment with some slut which makes me look bad, but yet tell everyone about the message I sent you in which I recommended for you to delete my number. Keep talking shit scumbag... Karma will come back, right now you're batting 0-2 anyway.

So the day is going pretty normal until the next bizarre thing happens.
One of my friends comes in to Mike's with none other but THE scandalous bitch. Kind of odd considering I've never seen them together regardless that they work with each other. In fact, I hardly ever see either of them come into Mike's. Nonetheless I think nothing of it. I go over to talk to my friend. I sit down and have a pleasant conversation with him, despite whether or not I made either of them uncomfortable...hopefully not but anyhoo... It was then, sitting across from the Scandalous Bitch, that I realized that I have no feelings for him. No lust, no anger, no resentment, no adoration, nothing... It was similar to that moment in which I met up with Ian, looked at him and felt absolutely nothing. He was just another person, another memory of a state I was in in the past. I felt totally refreshed upon this reflection.

I've come to realize that these guys that I've spent so much time chasing are nothing more than a pretty face. There's no complexity to them. They are void of any passion, which is something that drives me the most in my own personal life. I can have a more relevant conversation speaking to a rock than I can with them.

I've also come to the point in my life that I've realized it's not just about finding a pretty face or a chunky guy in a suit. It's about finding someone who is genuine. Someone who honestly cares about me past the ten extra pounds I need to lose or the random mood swings I encounter.
...I think I've found that person. The first couple dates we went on we sat there and spoke like we had known each other for years. There was no awkwardness. I didn't find myself biting my nails (one of my many nervous habits) worried about trying to impress him. I can be myself around him, whether it be "money over bitches" Carlie or the closet romantic Carlie. It's been a week since we've been "official." It was a bumpy ride getting to that point but all things good happen in due time.

So it's game over for me. No more prowling the casino floor for a guy in a suit...sure I like to stop and stare to admire them like a fine piece of art but I have no desire to do anything more than that. I have the one I want...

Ok, enough of this mushy talk...

There were other bizarre things that occurred. Like a table of 10 guys in suits. I think my manager said it best: "If Carlie died and went to waitress heaven that is what it would be like." Also another blast from the past came in to Mike's this evening. However, I won't bore you with the details of either event. Instead I'm going to turn on some Seinfeld and while I wait...

Bonne soir mes amis!

Thursday night...

I always wish I had the right things to say. I use my words to disguise my weaknesses, only for that disguise to disable me more prominently than any weaknesses ever could.

I only wish that I could take back the words I said months ago. Replace them with kinder, gentler things. But the words I regret will be the words that will blind me from happiness. I've never been capable of expressing how I feel. My attempts are always misrepresented, in turn leaving me to feel like a fool.

Here I find myself, sitting here alone, by the phone, waiting for a call that may never come, praying a prayer that never comes true, and crying the same tears that fall every time. After all the failures one would think I would learn. It's like I keep being told "you're meant to be alone" while I try to rule out fate. Hoping for the best and not at all being prepared for the worst.

I fell too hard, too fast, when all I wanted was something to last...

Where's the answers?

Feels like I'm missing out on so much in life...

There comes a point in time where I've become so sick of being just another slave to the wage. My love for money and my youthful exuberance have become conflicted. I want to go out do things, see awesome shows, eat delicious food, dance at the hottest spots however doing those things requires the funds provided by working the outrageous hours that I have been. I work so I can have nice things and have fun yet I work to the extent that I am not allowed adequate time to enjoy such luxuries.

I've found myself in a sense of conflict in so many aspects of my life. There's points at which I want to shut myself off from everyone. But even less often, there's points at which I desire to draw myself closer to others. I've learned to appreciate solitude even when sitting here alone seems like one of the hardest things to do.

I learned the hard way that sometimes the things you do to make yourself happy turn out to be things that make you even more miserable than you were before. I always find myself in situations where I have what I want however I am unsatisfied with that which I have obtained or even that I find it wasn't as fulfilling as I hoped it to be. I find myself too often getting to where I want to be then taking a huge step in the opposite direction. I work so hard for what I have: my success, my independence, my wisdom, my intelligence to lose it all at the blink of an eye.

Maybe I'm looking for some kind of epiphany. Like those moments of clarity I experience after its too late and I've already become victim to yet another mistake. Answers are not free, they have their price.
I only wonder what price I will have pay this time to uncover whatever lesson it is I am to learn...

Evangelical Snob

I believe it's time once again to brush off the cobwebs on my trusty blog.
What better way to do it by posting a quick rant so if you'd rather not endure my whining then this is a post you may not want to read.

As some of you may know, most of you may not since I myself did not know, but today evangelical author and speaker, Mark Cahill, was in town for a presentation at the new event center. Now I can't say I'm exactly up to date on who's who in the world of religious speakers so prior to today I had no idea who the guy was. So when he came into Mike's to eat today he was just another ordinary guy to me.

He marched around the restaurant handing out money, signed copies of his book, paying for guests meals, "it's better to give than receive" he would say as he tossed out the cash. I stood at the host's podium watching as he did this, he gave several of my coworkers very large tips, and copies of his book with money placed inside the cover. I, on the other hand, was not one of the lucky ones to receive any of his "gifts." He would simply walk past, nose in the air, ignoring my existence. I did not receive money, a book, let alone a smile, or a "god bless you."

Does your God pick and choose who he wants to bless? Did your God put you on this earth to act in such a snobbish manner, using your wealth to act like you are better than others? My God has blessed me in great forms, I did not obtain this by walking over others, making them feel insignificant. I try to treat everyone with respect whether I agree with their ideas, morals, ideals, so on and so forth... I do not need your money, your insight, but I do need to be acknowledged as a person, treated with respect regardless if I wear lipstick the color of satan's ass or not.

Whatever "publicity" you seek, you sir, are seeking it by the wrong fashion. Sometimes it not so much about the lives you've touched, but the ones you overlooked because of your own pride.

Leave it all behind...

Women lie, men lie,
Numbers don't lie...

So tonight my friend ditches me for my other friends.
I had my hair done, my favorite pink shirt on, my makeup on just right...
Only to find out that I'm not needed anymore.

So I sit here writing in a journal that doesn't even exist. Listening to music that most would only consider to be noise. Feeling emotions that don't even really exist. Trying not to cry because this makeup makes my eyes burn when it runs in them. Beauty that is a fraud.

Most days I feel like I'm crumbling apart inside. But I don't show it. I put on my little $200 suit, my 4 inch pumps, and act like I'm something important, like I'm someone worth knowing. I'd bury myself in cement to maintain the image.

I was not put on this earth to live miserably. I was not given life to never experience happiness. The more I'm here, the more I realize that I will never have any fulfilling relationships as long as I stay. Friends will never understand me. Guys will never appreciate me. My family will only learn to hate me even more. The longer I stay, the deeper of a pit I dig for myself. I can drive the newest car, could live in the nicest part of town, make more money than everyone your age, give the clothes off your back when someone asks, and still be treated like dirt.

Is the grass really greener on the other side?
Probably not. But I want to be somewhere where no one knows my name. Somewhere where I can rid myself of all the failure, start with a clean slate. Sit at a coffee shop and have an intellectual conversation, go to the apple store and geek out, have a martini at a piano lounge... Get a guy's number at a science exhibit, an art museum, a concert... Not just the same bar, with the same assholes, the scandalous bitches that take home a different girl every night.

I'm getting ready to move on...

Jesus, You there?

Hey Jesus it's me again...
Did you forget that I'm here?
Do you not see the pain in my eyes
and the tears that I cry?

Why do you fill my path
with liars, manipulators, users...
Why am I led to alcholics, drug abusers...
Anxiety, control issues, eating disorders,
depression, insecurity,
they all have problems worse than me.

Why do I want to save them?
Why do all my prayers go their needs.
Why do I try to believe
when there's nothing there
in which to believe?

Why do I feel so weak
powerless, hopeless...
Why do I always feel
that I'm not good enough
despite all that I've come to be.

I've determined that you're punishing me
by putting my life in a constant state of repeat.
Is it true I'm being punished
for an enormous mistake
one I still cannot percieve.

If God is love
does he not exist...
Just as love does not exist
for me...

For you

This is for all the guys who rejected me,
for all the guys who want me but will never have me.
For all the bitches who smile to my face
and talk shit when I walk away.
For all the people who said I'm fat
ugly
stupid
that I don't have a personality
crazy
stalker
alcoholic

For Steven for showing me what a scandalous bitch really is
That crowbar to your Mustang was nothing compared to what you did to my soul...
For all the scandalous bitches that followed
You are nothing to me.
Nothing.

Driving 150 Mph in the Wrong Direction

The older I get, the harder on myself I become. I am never good enough because I know there's always better. I am never thin enough because I know there's always someone thinner and prettier. I am never smart enough because I know there's always something I don't understand. I crave acceptance from others because I can't seem to accept myself. It is easier to try to make someone else happy simply because it's almost impossible to bring happiness to myself.

I am 23 years old. I make twice as much money as the majority of people my age. I drive a brand new car, I have a college degree and I'm still left feeling like I'm falling behind somewhere. I constantly feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone; I'll never live up to anothers' expectations and requirements.

There are very few people who truly know who I am. Even people I've dated in my past, I doubt they could even skim the surface of my likes dislikes, interests, goals, aspirations... I've spent entire relationships trying to be the perfect trophy girlfriend. Just a pretty face to look at. I sit there, smile, laugh at their jokes, and speak only when spoken to. Is this who I am... No, but it is who I think they all want me to be.

In my college graphic design class I was assigned to do a timeline of the things that have influenced me thoughout my life and things I think will influence me into the future. I sat down with a blank piece of paper and pencil and began to draw up pictures, simple things which have shaped my life. When I neared the age of thirty the assignment became more difficult. Who knew that a simple assignment would lead me to a great amount of self-realization. I realized that all this time that I have spent doing for others, trying to make everyone else happy I had forgotten all the goals that were on my own personal bucket list. I want to take gourmet cooking classes, I want to learn how to play a round of golf, I want to taste exquisite foods and visit castles across Europe. Did any of you who are reading this know that? Do any of my friends and ex-boyfriends know that I do have artistic abilities, that I was once nearly fluent in french and desire to continue studying the language...that I know how to play instruments and sing? Do any of the guys I meet care to ask? No, they were more concerned about what my favorite drink is and what I like to do in bed. Next time they ask I'm going to say grape soda and Battleship...

We all want a story to tell. Sadly most people think a good story is one about the night she guzzled a bottle of Grey Goose and danced on a table (...not saying I'm speaking from personal experience...) But what about the story about me spending two weeks on the east coast. How I didn't even enjoy that trip because I was worried about a boy liking me. And what about the story about how I got to eat steak and lobster with a group of people that truly care about me? That story turned into one of me crying a large portion of the night because I was hurt and let down by yet another boy. All of these wonderful stories destroyed because I was concerned about someone else rather than my own happiness.

I'm letting my life slip away because I spend more energy focused on trying to get people to like me. It's almost like driving against the traffic in the wrong lane during rush hour.

Enduring a struggle just to end up further away from where you started...

Question of a lifetime

Question of the day:

"Would you rather have $100,000,000,000 or Steve Gonsalves heart?"

Steve's heart! Duh!!

And this is what my father said:

"I thought it was 'money over bitches?'"

"Steve's not a bitch, he's my soulmate..."

Mmmmm Steve's heart...

So snuggly...

more Scandalous bitches

New vlog...

I'm old

It's my birthday.

I feel old.

I hope I'm not sick on my birthday.

I'm using sheer willpower to not get sick until Sunday...

P.S. I hope my birthday wish comes true.

That would be amazing...

Running After Dreams

Here again I find myself chasing the impossible
Running after a shadow
wishing upon an empty well.

If there's beauty in pain
I'm the belle of the ball
the masterpiece upon which everyone will gaze

I want to breathe
but I'm out of breath
I want to see
but you're always there blocking my view.

There is no peace in solitude
yet no peace in a crowded room.
The tears fall silently
but the thoughts are inside screaming.

It's comforting to see
the smile on your face
Even if that means
sacrificing my own.


How can you have everything that everyone wants, yet be someone that no one wants...

Choices are hard but

I made a promise I intend to keep.

Now only if you could see,

what you really mean to me...

Starting new in a new year...

I think I'm starting the new year right.
Putting the past behind me and moving onto new..

I did what I should have done a long time ago...
Now I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
I just hope that what I did, I'm doing for the right reasons.

Sometimes the easiest of decisions are the hardest ones to make.
Going from something so certain and familiar
to venturing onto something new and unsure
is quite a large risk for me.

Risk is something that I'm known to shy away from.
But what is life without experience?
What is life when you chose to travel the same path
simply due to fear...

New Years

In bed, at home, cozy, listening to dubstep...

This is exactly how I want to spend my New Year's...

I'm so happy I could cry.

In fact I did almost cry...

When I heard the words that I've been wanting to hear all this time.

"You're beautiful, you're smart, and you have money..."

I'm gonna smile, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna laugh, and I'm gonna worry...

But I think I'm ready this time....

Let's just hope I don't screw it up!

*sigh*

That's the hard part...