Carlie's random thoughts Pt. Whatever

It's snowing...

Crappy, crappy snow.

I had to drive 20-30 mph all the way home.

But at least I didn't get stuck.

Some nice man scraped the ice off my windows...

Only because I was too lazy to get the scraper out of my trunk.

Now I feel bad.

I'll get my scraper out tomorrow.

Makes me feel like a worthless female.

Blech

I wore my lucky shirt.

Lucky shirt + new lipstick = recipe for bad decisions

Thankfully I have abstained from making any of those said bad decisions.

It's New Year's eve and I still haven't made any resolutions.

The first one was to stop being so nice to everyone.

To stop bending over backwards for people who don't appreciate it.

While it is a good goal,

I decided it would be a better life change than a resolution.

Also, I was told that how you spend the beginning of the new year is how you will spend the rest of it.

Well last year I spent it making money.

..And watching two old people make out at my bar...

So I guess what they say is true.

I made a lot of money this year.

And I watched a lot of friends get into new relationships.

This year I'll spend it alone in my cubicle.

Ok, that's freakin depressing

Anyhoo...

Winter sucks...

Winter is only good for a couple things.

Hugs...

Hot Chocolate...

Sleep...

I'll be passing up the hot chocolate in order to get rid of the food baby

and I'll be getting even less sleep once school starts...

So that leaves one thing.

Hugs...

Yay for hugs!!

Speaking of which...

My birthday is shortly approaching.

Which means I should get lots of hugs...

Ok, maybe not since I'm slowly seeing myself becoming a monogamous hugger...

*blushes*

The rest of you can get me Grey Goose.

Yay!

Problem solved!

10:30 is gonna come too soon

Must somehow sleep...

Amazing track. Goes from awesome to epic at about 4 minutes in...

Sometimes easy decisions are hard to make...

Especially when one is familiar

...and the other involves taking one huge risk.

I think I'm gonna take the risk.

Leave the past behind me

Besides, it is a new year...

It's My Life...

Merry Christmas...
I'm spending mine here alone at work. I'm not going to complain about holiday pay though.

There's one thing that I've never understood, and that's why do people always want to change my life to make it what they think it should be?

I like my lifestyle. I work hard, and when I go out I play hard. I have made a choice to enjoy life up until the point at which I cannot physically do so. I feel it's unecessary for people to judge me by making such comments as "aren't you getting to old to be doing that?" Since when is there an age limit on having fun? I have no strings tying me down in my life. I'm not married, nor want to become married. I don't have kids running around to tend to. I don't have a boyfriend desiring of my attention... So what do these people expect me to do, sit home alone and feel sorry for myself? That's not going to happen...

I refuse to be another one of those people who look back with regret wishing that they had experienced more when they had the opportunity. I've already been there. When my friends were out at high school parties I sat at home because my boyfriend of 3 years did not approve of me going out without him. I feel there is a large chunk of my life that I have missed out on.

Now I'm not trying to make up for lost time, however, I did make a vow to never allow myself to be found in that situation again. So people can judge, they can make cruel remarks, they can call me a failure, and I will simply continue to ignore it all...

Change is a Choice

"Don't play with fire, you might hurt yourself"

What's a little burn once in awhile?

Naturally the body heals and where that burn once was a scar is formed, making the burned area tougher than it was before.

It took a lot of burns to get me to where I am today. A rational, independent, free-spirited person. I don't subscribe to the makeshift happiness that the world wants us to fall for. My happiness comes from within. Not the bottle of pills sitting on the top shelf, not the hopes and dreams of love that society clings to...

I've seen it all. In this minuscule lifespan I've heard more bullshit than you can imagine. When you dig deep down you realize that none of it matters at all. It's that long drive on the way home with the music turned all the way up, tears running down your face realizing all the petty things that tore you down the most really don't matter anymore.

I live my life for me, and if something doesn't bring me contentment I rid myself of it. I choose not to live my life waiting and hoping for things to get better. I make them better... I've experienced enough pain that I should not have to willingly expose myself to it.

It may be selfish, but it's healthy.

Life sometimes feels like a record stuck on the same loop. You have to be strong enough to push yourself onto a different track. So maybe I've found a few little scratches along the way but I forced myself to move past them. I refuse to allow my life to be on repeat to that same broken record, the more you play it, the more weathered it becomes...

Made my night...

Ya, gonna have to say this pretty much made my night...

Total girly moment. I forgot what those were like...
Makes me go to bed with a smile...

Freaking out!!

I can't believe I just now saw this but Ghost Hunter Steve retweeted my tweet of me holding the picture of him in Inked magazine.
OMG fangirl moment...




This week has been absolutely incredible for many reasons! *happy girly dance*

Grumpy Bear Needs a Bear Hug...

When I heard this for the first time I wanted to shoot myself... Whoever's idea it was to mix dubstep and rap is a freakin ignoramous.



I am void of anything quirky or humorous to say this evening.
I had a whole post written but it was hateful and I'd rather not display myself in such a manner.

Here I am, once again, sitting here, letting what a few people said to me completely piss me off. I should be moving forward instead of allowing these people drag me into their misery.

This is why I'm my own worst enemy. This is why I'm so hard on myself that it's mentally destructive. These few people chose to tear me apart simply because they couldn't stand the sight of their own reflection. They couldn't stand to bear the shame of their own mistakes so it was easier to for them to vocalize the appearance of my faults.

Everything I've achieved I've done on my own. I look back and every mission that I have set for I have accomplished. Who are you to tell me "no," or "don't do it?" I really want to take off my stilletto and beat you with it every time I hear that.

I realized that I've been searching for advice from the wrong people. I need to gain wisdom from those who have actually obtained personal success. Until you can come and tell me that you have the perfect life, the perfect relationships, the perfect body, the ideal of happiness and success then don't come trying to share your two cents...

This Time I Need A Soldier...Sick of Toy Soldiers

I did want an angora cardigan until I found out they are made out of these...



Precious little wascally wabbit. I would never wear you...

Anyway there's something that has been really REALLY getting on my nerves lately and I am starting to hear it more and more often. It's when people say something along the lines of this: "You should lower your standards, start dating people that you may have not given a chance before."

At first I thought it was just me, but now I'm starting to hear it everywhere: friends and acquaintances, advice columns, other blogs... Now why is our national divorce rate so high? Because of ignorant people like this who encourage relationships, for the sake of "relationships." My theory is that if you see flaw and/or are not attracted to someone for some reason what makes you think that after dating those flaws are going to miraculously disappear. They're not, in fact, they are going to multiply.

But most of all I hear this from pathetic, insecure, unattractive men who have not enough self esteem to attract a female. Rather, they try to brainwash women to believe that their standards are too high and should stoop down to their level. Now, I do realize that a lot of women do have unreasonable expectations. Prince charming only exists in fairytales, sweetheart. As far as me, I like to think that my expectations are fairly mild. So when someone tells me that I should "lower my standards" I'm quite insulted.

My mother always asks me this "What if this great guy comes along and you turn him down because he is not your ideal?" Now, why would I want to date someone to whom I am not attracted? It seems completely propostorous. Who wants to end up as the girl that lies in bed and imagines that her partner is someone else becuase she doesn't find him attractive?? I know I don't.

This also goes hand in hand with settling. I am not the type to settle for anything less than what I want. I'd rather go without than have something lesser to my standards. I value myself very highly therefore, I'm not willing to let just anyone into my life. Boys, go back to the bar and drink until the ugly girl gets pretty becuase you're getting nowhere with me...

I am confident and comfortable enough within myself that I don't want anyone. You're really just wasting your time trying to convince me otherwise.

Most Boring Blog Ever...

What a difference a couple months can make.

My jaw about dropped with I noticed the difference from these two pictures.

The one on the left was taken last August at the Denver Apple store. The one on the right was taken a couple days ago (November 2010) in Wichita at the Apple display at Best Buy. Just by my face you can tell that I'm less of a fat kid. Yay for success!

I had a moment of stupidity and bid on some jeans on eBay. Sometimes I get caught up in the bid and forget to read the description. It wasn't until after I had won the bid that I realized that the "32" that I saw was the inseam, not the waist like I had assumed. So I got the jeans in the mail earlier this week. I get a bit of courage to try them on and miraculously they fit. Never in my sober mind would I have thought that I'd be anything lower than a 30 let alone a 28...

A pic to prove it...

So I guess you could say that things have been going well.

Unfortunately I have no exciting or earth shattering news to share besides that all I do is work my fat butt off.

I have very good news but I can't publish it so guess that means you might have to actually pick up the phone and text me... If you don't I'm just going to assume you don't care which makes me sad, but I shall live...

WISHLIST!

Just in case you wanted to get me something for Christmas ;-)

Cosmo fail

We all know I'm really, really bored when I start reading Cosmo. Besides, I'm a bit scared to watch this week's episode of Ghost Hunters. The "Real Housewives" were featured as a guest host and I know that I'm gonna go mad the minute I see one of them hitting on Steve.

I also decided that I need a new spot to find some pleasantly plump hotties. It's time to switch it up from something other than the coffee isle at the supermarket. And just because I don't date anymore doesn't mean I couldn't use some eye candy now and then. I was hoping to find some useful information from this article:
Where could Carlie prowl?

I found their first pick to be amusing: The Apple Store. Oh brother... I did that and I ended up spending quite a bit of money. Coffee is much more inexpensive.

#2 The gym: I doubt that any man would be attracted to my "athetic abilities." Moreso, they'd be disgusted by how out of shape I am.

#3 Forture 500/Tech company: Sounds like something I'd do. Unfortunately southwest Kansas isn't exactly the hot spot for Fortune 500 companies. Closest I get to a tech company is lurking Best Buy. That hasn't worked out for me too well. You try standing in the PC department and listen to them talk about all the great new features of Windows 7. Then after they're done say "I'm a Mac" and watch them run in the opposite direction! (Oh wait, I get pleasure out of doing that...)

#4 A Political Rally: I hate talking politics... I'd rather go to a ballgame than go to a political event. And you know how much I looooove sports. Blech. "So how about them Yankees..."

#5 Sports bar on Sunday/Monday night: No such luck with this one either. But the local sports bar does have Stella Artois so it's not a complete fail afterall.

#6 Boston, Paradice NV, Jacksonville NC: Nevada is too hot, I hate southern accents, the only place that I may actually like is Boston. As a matter of fact, I did enjoy my stay in Boston. Better start packing right away...*sarcasm*

#7 Volleyball league: If a dude is playing volleyball I can already tell you that he's going to be too thin for my likes. I'd be more apt for finding someone on a hockey team. I'll just have to be sure that he has awesome dental coverage at his day job...

#8 Coffee shop: The times I've been to the coffee shop here there's only been eldery women there. Now that I think about it, I'd have more luck finding someone if I went at around 8am when the men in suits are on their way to work. Then again no guy, suit or not, is worthy of me getting out of bed early.

#9 Rock climbing center: What's with all the physical activities? I think they want me to end up seriously injured... I'm a nerd, not an athlete.

#10 A steak house: If I'm eating at a steak house, the last thing on my mind is a guy. *drool* Om nom nom nom prime rib...

I'm pretty much back to square one even after this list. Granted, my expectations were were rock bottom beforehand... Back to the coffee isle it is...

Thanks Giving

I've noticed that everyone is posting their "I'm thankful for" statuses on Facebook. I also noticed that It's been awhile since I've posted a blog. So I put one and two together and decided that I would make a blog about the things that I am thankful for...But knowing me, I have to put a twist on it... I hope you all get the sarcasm.

Apple- For creating the best products in the world! Please don't go out of business or else I will have a lifelong reminder of a company that failed...
Ghost Hunters- I would have never been introduced to my soulmate Steve Gonsalves if it wasn't for this show.
My baby (my car)- For making me look good... We all know without it, I'm nerdy as hell...
The Internet- without the internet I would be extremely bored or, in fact, spend my free time doing something more productive. Now who would want to do something like that...
Coffee- I would be faceplanted on my keyboard right now if it wasn't for you. You keep me awake and alert, even at times I should be asleep.
My jobs- One job pays the bills, one fuels my eBay addiction...And the other "Jobs" makes me delicious kool-aid and seduces me with shiny gadges...
eBay - Like my ex-boyfriends, you get all my money...however, unlike them, I actually get something in return.
Grey Goose- Not only do you provide for epic amounts of entertainment, you counteract the effect of all the coffee. Love the goose...
Chunky blondes - for giving me eye candy. Mmmmm
Electronic music- I could be having the most horrible day, but the minute I get home, turn off all the lights and put on some dubstep life becomes so much better.
Trent Reznor- Thanks for getting married so I don't feel like a creeper anymore for lusting after a guy that's old enough to be my father...
Katy Perry- Thanks for being a bimbo with big boobs. Now guys actually think my style is hot...
P.C.- for your flaws, malfunctions, and failing Operating Systems... They give me many job opportunities as well as endless job security.


Ok, now on a more serious note:

Family- For supporting my goals and raising me to be a respectible, responsible person.
My friends- For creating many great memories with me. For putting up with me crying about boys after too many martinis. And for letting me be myself without judgement.
My health- Especially since I don't have health insurance at the moment...
Heartbreak- Because of it I discovered independence. I now know what is truly important in life. I realized that life can be just as (if not moreso) fulfilling and enjoyable without a partner.


So, I think that's it...
If I think of more later on I'll be sure to add them...

With that said, I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving. Eat lots of turkey, green bean casserole, and pie... Make sure that you eat so much you pass out in a food coma so that I get all the Black Friday deals!! Muahahaha!!!

...

I was really upset and stressed.
I was going to write this long blog expressing my sentiments at this current moment.
But I put on some dubstep, and I kinda feel better...

I just try to make everyone happy.
And I have this constant fear that I'm not meeting other's expectations.
My life is spent turing molehills into mountains,
And building walls that I can barely climb.

The Great Destroyer

People seem to disappear from your life just as quicky as they enter it. One minute they are the closest person to you, next minute the most distant. I've become quite accostomed to not having people remain in my life for an extended period of time. Therefore I cherish the friends who have become a facet in my life.
Looking back I wonder what would have happened if I had silenced the words. Bit my tongue and not given in to the inane emotions that dwelled inside. Even moreso lately I contemplate how I could have avoided destruction knowing what I know now and believe in the ideas I have adopted. I would not have experienced loss. I would not be sitting here right now wishing I had him as a friend and confidant, having a conversation, sharing a thought, a laugh, and a smile.

Emotions destroy.

They make intelligent people appear to be fools. They send you from the highest mountain crashing into the deepest sea. They work like a chain reaction, building one upon the other until combustion occurs. Hopefulness to happiness, happiness to adoration, adoration to disappointment, disappointment to sadness, sadness to anger. But unlike most chemical reactions this results in no product, nor does it create any fulfillment. Self actualization based on knowledge is that which creates fulfillment, not radical impulses based on emotion. Factual reality based claims are far more viable than claims based on emotional experiences. It is a fact that smoking relieves stress, and it is also a fact that smoking damages your health; an example of an emotional versus intellectual fact. It is a fact that emotions are soley a product of an interaction with an external stimulus creating several chemical reactions in the brain. Yet, we put so much value on these emotions. Why do we act out irrationally knowing that we will not acheive the desired outcome?

Our ability to make decisions is dependent upon remembering and identifying similar situations. When dealing with decisions that provoke emotion our cognitive abilities often become clouded with delusions of grandeur also known as the illusion-of-truth effect. It causes us to view an idea as being true even if we know the idea has been verified to be false. This effect occurs due to implicit memory. Our mind creates several types of memories, explicit and implicit being the two types that are generally associated with emotion. Implicit memories do not require conscious awareness of previous experiences, whereas explicit memories necessitate a conscious awareness of experience and knowledge. As a result, explicit memories involve higher brain functions which demand more time to process. Often certain stimuli, a certain word, event, or action, are necessary for the memory to occur. If the stimulus is not present, we may not consciously recognize a consequence involved in the action. Thus, the reason why we make these irrational decisions.

With that said, I do not ask anyone to adopt my theories and beliefs. If believing in love is what gets you through your day then more power to you. But just as I do not ask that you adopt my beliefs I do not feel it necessary for those who do not understand to try to "save" me from my thoughts. I refuse to cry out in vain feeling sorry for myself, I picked myself up, embraced the truth, and began to view the world with a realistic but also positive outlook.

It was easier letting go than holding on to dreams...

Update

Update time *drum roll!!!*
I haven't had much time to talk to everyone lately, that and I've actually been going to bed before 6am.

For those of you who didn't know yet, I'm back working at Mike's... Let's just say I was given the right offer at the right time and chose to take it. I never imagined I would find myself waiting tables again but you know how that saying goes "never say never." I said I'd never go back and look at what happened. So why'd I decide to return? There's a couple reasons. The first one being is that I was bored. I'd sleep until around 3pm everyday, go to work, then come home and go to bed again. Not only was I bored but I was isolated. Don't get me wrong, I think isolation is a beautiful thing; those who can embrace it are the strongest of people but what scared me is that I enjoyed it too much. It was as if I was living in my own little world, detached from everyone else. And lastly, I'm greedy... Very greedy.

So far it's been a pleasant experience. Honestly, it feels like I never left. I have yet to decide if that is a good or a bad thing.

As for my IT job, I couldn't be more content, unless if I was making $50 an hour, of course... And I finally conquered making a javascript dropdown menu. When I figured it out I felt pretty dumb for spending so much time struggling with it.

I decided I need a boyfriend...
....
...
...
Not because my icy heart has thawed and I feel the need for male companionship, rather because winter is approaching and I'm not exactly looking forward to driving my car through the treacherous tundra of Kansas. A boyfriend with a four wheel drive automobile would completely solve that issue. Then, when spring comes I can dump him and return to the blissful single life.
Unfortunately realistically, I know this plan would not work. One: the guys I like usually a.) have a sports car b.) don't have a car at all. Two: With my luck I'd be stuck at work because he would either forget about me or not even care enough to make sure I made it home safely.
Brilliant plan. Fail.


Ah look who it is:



It's Paris Hilton... Now is it just me, or does it look like she's put on a couple of pounds... Not saying she's fat by any means, but she looks kinda normal here. Doesn't have that "i live off of air and water" look going on. Props. I just hope she doesn't get that Nicki Minaj look going on... *blech*

Awwwww...

This picture gave me butterflies...

Boyfriends and Coca-Cola

I've never been a big soda drinker. Most of the times I don't drink it at all, but once every other blue moon I get an odd craving for it. Especially like right now at 3am, while I was sitting here watching "Knocked Up" thinking to myself: "Wow, I really want a Coke right now." So I decide to give in and drink one. It was after a couple sips that I thought of this:

Boyfriends are like soda. You think you want one, but then after only a couple drinks you realize you weren't missing anything and wonder why it was you wanted one in the first place...Then when it's all gone you're left with a headache and a bad taste in your mouth...

So from now on every time I get to thinking that I want to start dating again, I'll just drink a Coke. I'm pretty sure I'll get more out of the Coke anyway...

Dry Your Eyes, Soulmates Never Die

Here's a short post to keep everyone entertained while I'm in the process of writing the big kahuna blog on my theory of love. Hopefully it will be posted sometime early next week...

"Soulmate" is a word that I find to be overused and misconstrued. We usually deem a soulmate to be someone we meet based on happenstance, usually under unexpected circumstances. Someone who meets our expectations of physical appearance and general affect. We often hear elderly couples explain the success of their 50, 60, 70 year marriages simply by "I found my one true soulmate." I have even found myself, mistakingly, using the term a time or two.

The term soulmate originated from Greek mythology. In Plato's "Symposium" humans were described as having four legs, four arms, and a single head with two faces. Zeus feared their power therefore splitting them in half to reduce their strength. These beings then walked the earth searching for their other half. Sure, this may seem a little far-fetched but then why do people still focus their lives on finding one person who "completes" them?

I cannot gather myself to believe that out of the billions of people living on this earth that there is only one person with whom we are compatible. If you are to believe this, who is to say that your "soulmate" isn't in China right now. What is this magical force that will bring the two of you together?

I know someday Steve is going to come riding up on a unicorn with that pot of gold I've been looking for... But until that happens, "soulmate" will just be another word I casually toss around for the next hot guy I see in the coffee isle.

And it makes for a killer Placebo song...


Edit: If anyone has any suggestions for topics or issues you'd like me to discuss feel more than welcome to share. Provoke my mind if you must! (Trust me, I like it :-p) I appreciate everyone's input and feedback :-)

Save that thought...

I was gonna write but the new ghost hunters episode is already uploaded tonight...
Gonna have to save that thought for tomorrow!


...And is it just me or is Steve looking a bit thinner?
I don't like this one bit!
I must get him lots of cheeseburgers, pizza, chocolate cake, and beer.

No thin man is a man of mine...
:-)

That's What He Said...

...I'm actually going to pick off where I left off and finish the other half of the last blog before it got way too long...

If you read my last post you know that it discussed the characteristics that women desire in men. As I continued to browse, I came across yet another article, this one addressing what types of women to avoid. The results were a bit shocking to me. I'll let you see for yourself...

Ridiculousness here

Number one nearly described me to a tee. I honestly didn't want to finish reading the column after this. As they say, the truth hurts and is likewise hard to accept. I have this one fault that when I truly start to like someone I turn into bit of a sarcastic butthead. I don't like to be proved wrong, and I will fight until death to prove myself right. I'm not the type of person to admit being wrong. I have a strong personality and a vicious attitude to go along with it. I find that as long as I can suppress my words my relationships are strong, however at the point at which I can no longer bite my tongue is when the relationships become ravaged.

Would a man rather have a woman who cheats, lies, and manipulates than one who knows how to vocalize her opinion and call him out when he's incorrect? I have a feeling so.

Number three on the list goes along with the same concept. Now, I've dealt with my fair share of people who always have to be "right." I've learned the best thing you can do is nod your head and smile and act like you actually care about what they say. But this article makes it seem like the slightest bit of confidence and pride are poor qualities to possess. And to my female readers, have you ever tried to tell a guy he was wrong about something? You might as well get your shovel and start digging your grave. (Least this is true for the ones I have encountered.)

If you know me, I hate to pull out the sexist card. I am just as apt to call a woman an ignorant *expletive* as I am to call a man a selfish *expletive* but if you're going to fight with fire you should know to expect the same in return regardless of who you are or what you think you are...

Anyhoo, I wanted to make this one a bit short so I could post a bit of a sidenote.

I knew tonight I wanted to write. I sat at work for about thirty minutes straight trying to think of a topic but every time I started to punch in the keys all the words came out too personal and uncomfortable. I made a vow to myself awhile ago to make my posts a bit less personal. While it does feel refreshing to put everything out in the open it does have many drawbacks.

I've gotten to the point in my life in which I don't discuss feelings, why would I write about them. As a matter of fact, I hardly feel them at this point. Last night I cried while watching "Cruel Intentions." A real gullywasher of a cry at that. It's not as if I've never seen the movie, my ex and I had watched it many occasions it was just that this time everything seemed to make sense. The part at which Sebastien said "I'm completely infatuated with her... she made me laugh" was the part that really hit home for me. In a way I can relate. I have the ability to go through life, experiencing no emotions, have no attachment, and I pride myself on this. The one person that will eventually strike emotion in me is the one I will end up running from because it's not something I desire.

Do you ever realize that the person that always inspires you, motivates you, makes you feel like anything is conquerable is the same person that could possibly destroy you?

That's Not What She Said...

Once again I find myself up reading men's advice articles, learning their tactics, debunking the "what every woman wants" myth, and most importantly, learning what exactly not to say the next time I have some smooth talker come by.

One tip that shares a common trend among all the sites is to join an online dating site. I do admit that before I discovered the beauty of independence, I went through a pathetic, desperate time in my life where I felt the need to join several online dating services. It seemed to be a lot easier than dating in the real world, if I didn't like them "delete" was just a mouse click away. However, the selection was much to be desired. There were only two types that seemed to message me: the "I just got divorced, stuck with a kid from the marriage, and I'm facing empty bed syndrome guy." Then there's the: "I know I'm hot to the average female cuz I got muscles and a tan so you should want me, let's hook up guy." The only good thing that came out of cyber dating is the great network of friends that I acquired from it. These guys turned out to be some of my best friends. So, unless you feel that you fit either of the above descriptions I say avoid the enticing promises that match.com attempts to offer.

Now here's the part where I start laughing uncontrollably.
Ridiculous advice here
Now allow me to clarify...

1. Tattoos and piercings.
The more I see tribal, the more I die inside. There's nothing worse than getting a tattoo just to try to be a badass. You don't have to have wicked tats and piercings to be considered this so-called "tough guy." Trent Reznor is/was one of the hottest guys alive (imho) but you don't see him covered in tattoos and holes in every imaginable region of his body. If you absolutely have to get one put some thought into it, choose something that has value and meaning. As far as me, unless you're ghost hunter Steve himself, then I don't really find tattoos and piercings to be a determining attractiveness factor.

2. Money
Not going to lie, we all like money to some extent. But, unless you're a shallow selfish female, having a lot of money can be intimidating to the opposite sex. We all desire a life of comfort, but I believe that a genuine woman cares more about having someone that provides her emotional support rather than financial support. I could be very wrong here, considering I'm not exactly your average female...
I know that when I was making a lot of money, and it was all I seemed to care about, guys were automatically turned off. They'd then talk to me later, "you didn't care about me, all you cared about was money and your possessions." Granted, little has changed, my career and money will always be my top priority but when I dated, money was the last thing I looked for. In fact, I wanted to make more money than my partner. It make me feel like I had control to a certain extent... But that's a whole different issue I'm not going to dive into.

3 A deep voice
Guess I never thought about this one. Is it true... I'm not sure. If it is, then why are R&B singers popular. Usher doesn't have a deep voice, neither does my friend Justin Timberlake but that doesn't stop the ladies from going crazy over them. In fact too deep of a voice reminds me of Saw movies and serial killers. Eeek!!

4 Height
I'm going to have to agree with this one. I can't really think about any lady that likes short guys. I'm weird when it comes to this, tall guys are a little intimidating to me. Besides, I want to be able to look him square in the eyes when I give him a good talkin' to...

5 Weight
All the girls say that they want a well-built guy with muscles and athletic physical qualities, so why the hell do they keep stealing my chunky dudes!! Grrrrrrrr!!! I'm a bit of a slut for hugs and there is nothing worse than when you feel like you're hugging a rock, or even worse, a pole...

6. Sense of humor
Humor is good. I don't have one, well I do, but it's very dry. I should have been British. That and I still haven't let the "That's what she said" line die... Anyway, with humor there is a thin line between funny and raunchy. Make sure you know your date's level of comfort with this before you start cracking bathroom jokes.

7. Her past
I guess this is the girl that still hasn't learned from the mistakes she made about the last guy she was with. Remember that "delete" button I mentioned earlier. That's exactly what I do if you remind of certain ex boyfriends that made my life an absolute chaos. Besides, I don't believe that our idea of "romance" originates from our past experiences. Read my "Romance is dead" blog if you need clarification regarding that idea.

8. Smell
Smelling nice is a definite good thing. But I would hope that by now you have mastered the concept of proper hygiene. I hate those Axe commercials! And if you smell too strong of cologne, I will probably sneeze on you. Achooo!!

9. Confidence
Either you have it or you don't. This is where I feel the theory that you have to like yourself before you can like anyone else comes in to play. Part of liking yourself is being comfortable in your own skin. Bullshit attracts bullshit... Confidence attracts confidence...

10. They abruptly stopped at 9. What an odd number to finish with. So I'll complete it.
10. A clear head
A guy who knows what he wants, knows how to get it, has goals (not just dreams) and ambition. I encounter a great deal of people who are confused about what they want. They have no direction, just waiting for some magic carpet ride to get them somewhere in life. Be optimistic, if you're miserable, the people you attract will be just as miserable as you are.

There was another article I was going to touch on but this blog is already way too long. If you read this entire thing you are a champ!

Carlie's Random Thoughts

It's been awhile since I've posted a more "journal" type entry. I spent about two weeks with all these philosophical, psychological, most just say "insane" ideas going through my head. Some of which I posted, most of which I spent having lengthy talks to myself about. Ah yes, isolation has finally begun to effect me. However, I do find it to be soothing. I have come to realize that I could possibly survive quite nicely without human interaction. In fact, I feel smarter now that I do not encounter the public on a regular basis. For example: The other day I had this urge to read a book. Unbelievable, right? As a matter of fact, there's a novel sitting in my desk at work right now.

I drank about 40 ounces of coffee today.

I'm still pretty wired.

Word to the wise:

Never let someone with an anxiety disorder have that much caffeine.

I thought was going to have a nervous breakdown.

I was completely stressed,

however I couldn't even figure out what I was stressed about.

Then, on the drive home I realized just how much coffee I had had.

And since I don't drink soda, I can't really tolerate all that much caffeine.

I'll probably be awake a few more hours.

May not be a good thing since I have to drive tomorrow...

But I have a new dress.

And some new shoes.

I may feel like crap,

but at least I'll look good (or attempt to).

I need to learn JavaScript.

Learning new codes makes my heart smile.

If I didn't have prior obligations (for lack of a better word),

I would spend my 3 day weekend locked away at home learning JavaScript.

And instead of taking the easy route by learning DreamWeaver,

I am putting together the website using code.

Why? Because I'm a nutcase...

And I'll probably get yelled at for doing it this way,

but it's kind of an obsession of mine.

I remember when I first started to teach myself HTML

Let's just say that I got pretty wild with my MySpace page...

None of those copy and paste layouts either.

Really???

My Mac keeps locking up.

It's been acting very PC-like lately.

I'd fix it, but I'm kinda lazy.

Just like my MacBook....

Still haven't repaired that either.

For those of you who didn't know,

My iPhone had a tragic accident,

cracked a screen on yet another one.

I cried... a lot...

I'm kinda scared to touch anything.

I might break it.

I'm not going to offer any hugs either,

who knows what the consequences of that would be...

You'd probably end up hurt in some shape or form...

Ooooh!!

Speaking of hugs...

Steve's back on Ghost Hunters!

Pretty much the highlight of my week so far.

That and getting a compliment from my coworker.

I live a real thrilling life.

*sarcasm*

But it's a drama-free life.

It's bliss.

Especially since my moment of clarity.

Life is more fulfilling now that I'm not trying to chase men.

It's not that I've "given up" on dating,

more so that I really don't need to.

I don't feel that a guy would make my life any more beneficial or complete.

People think I'm just bitter,

but honestly, I've never felt so relieved

and thought as clearly as I do now.

It's as if all these years of manipulation and abuse

have finally been swept away.

I can finally think completely with my own mind

and see things with my own eyes.

I can focus on my true passions in life.

I am so passionate about learning

and discovering new things.

I love to write,

I love to be creative, whether it be on the computer or in the kitchen,

I love to think, to have intellectual conversations...

Somewhere along the lines I lost all that.

I can't afford to lose it again...

I realized tonight that friends come and go,

even family.

But I'm pretty much stuck with myself until death,

and possibly even as a little ghostie after I die (hahaha).

so I best become the person that I want to be,

like myself, and strive to be the kind of person that I would admire.

A bit narcissistic?

Sure

But for as much shit people have put me through,

I think I have every right to be.

I know, I said I wasn't going to get into all that...

I guess I lied...

But you know what I decided would be really awesome.

Getting married on the teacups at DisneyWorld.

I know I'm not going to get married,

so I'm going to have to depend on someone else to do it and tell me how amazing it is.

Kinda goes back to the blog about "romance."

That would be my idea of something "romantic."

Yep, I'm lame-o...

Oooooh, even better...

If you dressed up as Cinderella

and got married on the teacups.

*arrogant sigh* Ya, I totally shoulda been a wedding planner.

hahahahaha

Ok, time to stop writing dumb, random things...

**edit** It's actually DisneyLand where they have those teacups.

Want Your Bad Romance...

Fall is once again begining to set in. The oncoming cold weather always makes me feel a bit melancholy. Cloudy days and bare trees tend to give me somewhat of a sentimental mood, a mood in which I desire to hide under the covers and drink tea with a beloved partner.

I don't know what it is, possibly the fact that I'm getting older, but lately I find myself wishing that I could experience a glimpse of passion and (emotion) if you will. Granted, it's not something I like to admit. I'd much rather stick to my "money over bitches" attitude, but every so often the beast does tend to peer his head out, striking the little bit of inane emotion I may still contain.

I always tell people that I have yet to experience definite romance and passion. My relationships have been few and short, usually ending before any deep emotions could form. A good thing, I say, however, I do find myself wondering what this concept of "romance" is like. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this concept is dead. I then found myself ignorant, wanting something that does not even exist.

I feel that we have lost the meaning of romance. We have replaced it with tangible goods (flowers, chocolates, champagne...) to represent some sort of "meaning." We have these brief sporatic moments as an attempt to be "romantic" such as cooking your boyfriend a romantic dinner, or sending your girlfriend a bouquet of flowers. Romance is not an act to attempt to please someone else. Rather, romance is a mutual feeling shared by two individuals as a whole.

Because we have replaced romance with tangible gifts and short term action, this leads me to my philosophy that this concept of romance is nonexistant. Romance is actually a creation of our modern culture. From a very young age we are taught to believe in a supernatural force, a god, fate, happenstance, or whatever your beliefs are based upon, that brings people together. External factors influence us, training us to yearn for this unexplainable emotion and our popular culture gives us a delusion of behaviors exhibited while in this state of love.

People build themselves up with fantasies of their ideal relationship, then go out on a hunt to find something that was based entirely on delusion. When they do find someone that similarily resembles the image that they have conjured they then attempt to express all the emotions that went along with the fantasy. This result creates the effect of falling in love. It is when their partner starts to exhibit qualities that do not refect those of this person's fantasy that the relationship begins to fail.

The more I observe it, I find dating to be like a buffet. If it doesn't look good, we pass it up. If when we taste it, it's not quite what we wanted, we spit it out. And for those of us who are pure gluttons we go back for seconds, thirds...whatever it takes to reach maximum intake capacity. Life has become so fast-paced that we surpass quality for quantity.

I have realized that when we find someone we go directly from point A to point Z missing all the points inbetween. We spend so much time and effort searching for someone compatible, then when we finally have them in our lives, we forget the qualities that drew us to him/her, focusing solely on his/her lesser appealing qualities, the things we desire to change. I also notice (girls mostly) that once we have established a relationship we spend the majority of that relationship working on ways to keep your parter with you, worried about the moment when your companion does want to leave.

My last relationship was very short, only about a month long. Realistically, I knew it wouldn't last for various reasons; however, when we were together I made the most of those moments. We partied hard and lived big, then when all was said and done I walked away with the memory of all those good times, rather than stuck with the sour aftertaste of a failed relationship.

It is healthy to have this reality based outlook and rather unhealthy to base relationships on a concept created by imagination and popular culture. You hear people say often that it is best to base a relationship off of a friendship. This works, obviously, because we have lower expectations for our friends than we do our partners.

It is a personal choice on whether you want to believe romance, however take in mind it is no different than the choice to believe in fantasy or reality.

Eyes Without A Face

What if when you reach your goal,

you decide that it isn't enough...

And that all the hard work you've done,

appears to look like nothing at all...

Sure the sizes are smaller,

but do I even look any different,

because the mirror shows the same reflection,

the same dissatisfied face.

I am my worst critic. The things I think others say in regards to me are worse than the actual words they use.

There are cats fighting outside my bedroom window. *hiss hiss*

I am discovering that I have more readers than I ever expected. It is somewhat intimidating. But what good is a voice if it's not honest, straightforward, opinionated, and harsh such as mine. Censorship can only get you so far.

If someone wants to tell me something I hope they tell in the most repressive way possible. The more you sugar coat things, the harder they are to swallow...

Romance is dead...

Expect a new blog either tomorrow or Friday.

...And where is tonight's Ghost Hunters episode?

The internet is slacking.

I need my fix!!!

Fiesty on Friday

All I can say is: Don't tug on my tail not expecting to get bitten...
Don't harass me (in person or on the internet) and not expect me to retaliate. I don't take kindly to obscene remarks. We all have a dirty mind, some of us are just wise enough to filter what should and should not be said, especially in a professional setting.
...Nor, do I take kindly to stalking...and if you chose to stalk me, please do it discreetly. Don't leave me ten messages a day begging me to give you the time of day. You are desperate for attention and affection. Go get a puppy...

I am on a roll tonight. I don't know if it's a mix of the animal print and red lipstick but I am feeling fiesty. You best watch out!

Girl Next Door, Or American Stereotype??

New video here

To hunt the hunter...

"So, you don't believe in second chances do you?"
that's what was told to me today...

Not at all. I choose to learn from my mistakes, not repeat them. Life is too short to spend valuable time waiting for people to change, mature, and make decisions. If you turn me down once you turn me down forever. If you hurt me once, you've scarred me for eternity. If you disappear once, your existance is void to me. I know who I am. I know what I have to offer. I'm not lost, not trying to be someone I'm not. What you see is what you get. When the makeup comes off I'm still the same person inside.

Maybe when you're sitting at Applebees with a homely, fat girl, then you'll realize how little your world is. How ignorant you were to scoff at someone with true value. When I walk, I own the floor that I walk on. When I speak, each word has definite intention. I have a life, which doesn't revolve around trying to recieve your acceptance.


















Now, if I could only have a life-threatening ghost encounter so Steve can some rescue me. Hehehe...

Dear Jesus...

Dear Jesus, it's getting real lonely over here. Please bring me a hot boy in a suit. One who sees me not only as beautiful but moreso for being smart, intelligent and talented. Amen.

Commitment vs. Companionship

I was talking to a friend last night who has found herself in a funk that I, all too often, find myself in. She has been "talking" to someone for several months now, as time has progressed she has found herself getting more attracted and emotionally attached to this person. She has now decided to confront him and when she does, he blatantly states that he does not want the baggage that a relationship would bring upon him. After she tells me all that has happened (which I will not go into detail for her privacy's sake) I stand and stare at her in dismay. Not only am I saddened for her since this is a circumstance I face on a regular basis, but I am perplexed by this choice he has made. I hung out with them quite often and to anyone who didn't know the situation would think that they were a couple. I've come to my own conclusions about what happened, in her case and in my own.

It seems like every time I have told a guy that I like him he has ran off like a scared rabbit. I have learned not to speak my emotions with an exception for that rare occasion of being completely intoxicated. It has gotten to the point where I feel that emotions are a bad thing. If I feel them I automatically think there is something wrong with me. Then I think, why in my right mind would I want to screw something potentially good up by putting myself out there. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. The conversation we had made me feel a little bit better about myself. Guess I'm not the only one out there who has the ability to run off a guy with a few choice words.

There is a big difference between commitment and companionship. I am exhausted with hearing "I just don't want a relationship." Take in mind, a relationship is the last thing I'm looking for right now. My life is just about to start and there is no way that I desire someone to hold me back from the next opportunity that may be presented. Just because I said "I like you" doesn't mean I want to marry you, have your babies, or tie you to your bedpost to prevent you from talking to other girls (unless you're into that hehe)

With that said, my fear of commitment is probably larger than any of those who use this phrase. Every single time that I have gotten close to someone they have pushed me away. The minute I had my bags packed to move in with a boyfriend he broke up with me. I know no joy in commitment. Me, I just want a companion, someone in my life without having to worry about any looming obligation of commitment. Someone with whom I can spend the afternoon and still be able to come home and sleep soundly in my bed alone.

Granted, there are many, many girls who are controlling, demanding, and just straight out mean. I know guys who have completely abandoned their social life for the sake of their girlfriend. While, I'll leave my opinion to myself as it's not really my business why they chose to stay in such relationships, I still have to ask myself, "Is it girls like that who have given the ones like me: the independent, self-motivated, non-controlling, open-minded girls, a bad name?" Perhaps so, but it's a factor beyond my control.

Is there really a solution to solve the problem that both she and I face? I've tried to develop one but unfortunately you can't turn a fool into a wise man. In the opposing perspective, when confronted they will always think that they are being tied down, controlled, and being kept from something better.

But while you're sitting there thinking all those things, remember it is solely you that can hold yourself back... not all those "crazy" girls that like you.

Digg

Awesomeness

Everyone needs a creepy stalker picture...

Would have turned out better if I had a good quality picture of myself.

I'll save that for attempt #2.

Vlog

Remember me...

Remember one of the final the episodes of Nip/Tuck where Kimber jumped overboard because she realized that everyone she ever loved never loved her the same in return...

That's exactly how I feel right now.

All those words that I believed were true turned out to be a lie.

I just wish I had a ship to jump....

I Go Hard in the Paint!

Thank you Jenny for the enlightening words this afternoon...

I spend all this time telling myself that I am a beautiful person inside and out but saying things and believing them are two completely different things. In simpler words, she said this: "You are beautiful, smart, and you have a good job. If people can't see that they are a fool."

For many days, I sat trying to figure out why I'm so confused about the circumstances that occur in my life. While driving home one afternoon an epiphany of sorts hit me. I realized that it is not I that is confused, rather, it is the people whom surround me who are confused. As scary as it sounds, I know exactly what I want. I know what kind of career I want, what kind of guy I desire to be with, where I want to live, I can even go as far as to tell you in what apartment and in which neighborhood I want to live. So, it completely aggrivates me when someone assumes that because I'm only 22 years old I don't know which direction I plan to take with my life. Granted, I'm not saying that it's a horrible thing to be confused. Some people spend their whole lives trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives. I didn't make a plethora of mistakes to not learn from them. I didn't take the hard road to end up back at the bottom of the hill... This is not saying that I have experienced everything that I need to experience however, I have my whole life for that, rather, I have set my goals and have every intent to acheive them.

I looked around at work this evening, everyone looks so lonely. Their external state reflects exactly how I feel on the inside. Ok, lonely isn't the best word, moreso "isolated." One of the many reasons I hated bartending was the fact that I felt I had to dumb myself down to communicate with people. I soon discovered how unilateral people in this area are, many of them don't know how to find enjoyment outside of the bar, without a drink in their hands. Which is why I, too often, have a hard time relating to others.

I like to consider myself somewhat of a a diverse person. Take my iPod for example. I have just about everything you could think of. From obscure industrial to french opera, Britney to Jeezy, Iron and Wine to Armin van Buuren... And not just my taste in music is diverse. I have my nerdy tendencies but I love to go shopping just as much as every other girl. I find it so difficult to find people, especially here, who are just as open-minded and diverse. I look for someone who enjoys the finer things in life just as I do. Someone who appreciates fine dining and live theatre, yet also embraces a bit of adventure like fast cars, parties that last until 5 in the morning, and traveling to far-away places. While I am very much an independent person and have embraced the single life to extreme, unfortunately for me, it is not so fun to enjoy prime rib and martinis at a candlelit table alone.

My advice to everyone as of late has been: "if you want something in your life to happen, make it happen." Trust me, I know there are hundreds of obstacles that can stand in the pathway to success and happiness but I believe that if you want something badly enough you can, in due time, overcome those obstructions. I'm not into chasing unicorns and rainbows (the impossible) but the things I can control I have controlled them in my favor. Then again, I've said this so many times to so many different people that I feel like a broken record, so I'll just shut up...

On a different note, I am 10 pounds away from my goal weight. Woohoo!! I was going through my closet trying to find clothes that fit, I stumbled upon all my old dresses and, incredibly, they fit! Now, I just need a special occasion to wear them to!

Success!!!

Remember awhile ago when I mentioned those favorite jeans that I wanted to fit in again so badly?

I got really brave this evening and tried them on...

They fit!

A very tight fit, but a fit nonetheless...

So shocked, I wanted to cry!

I've lost a total of 32 pounds...

My goal is still so far away and the closer I get the harder I have to fight.

I've never been 100 percent content with my appearance. There are many days I don't even want to look in the mirror and even more days I want to throw the scale out the window. To make it even worse people are not the least bit shy about stating the obvious with remarks and insults, even at times without trying. (Get ready for the rant part of this blog)

I was so so so sick of the comment "she's pretty for a big girl." No one could ever just say "She's pretty," they had to add those last four words which diminished the point of even making a compliment. Either you're pretty or not, that's about the same as saying: "She's pretty for a redhead," which I interpret as, you don't like redheads but you might possibly make an exception for this one.

Now here's what I really hate: all the guys that say "You're so thick" or "You got some thick legs." Really, what the hell is that about? I absolutely despise that word, not only because it's another "fat" word, moreso because it makes me feel like a slab of beef; something you might see on a TV commercial "Our select ribeyes are thick and juicy, grilled to perfection!" Now, pardon my language, but "I aint no motha fuckin ribeye... I'm a lady."

So I know that these remarks are not going to go away any time in the near future and I'm pretty sure that may even become more absurd. However, I just hope that soon no one will have reason to make them to me...

Now here's some happy music that always makes me want to dance

*big grin!!*

So Pretty!

My new layout is amazing

Just saying...

Actually I just modified my twitter background to use here.

Lazy move until I can create something new and even more epic.

Couldn't stop writing...

Yay! My internet is finally working properly. The past 2 days I couldn't stay connected due to my lovely service provider. Thank goodness for my dear iPhone which keeps me connected to the outside world.
Of course, like me, even with my net finally working I'm not getting anything I wanted to accomplish done. Instead, I'm once again reading nonsense on the net. And what better nonsense is there than reading horoscopes. Today mine said something about feeling a bit of anxiety at work. Sure, fair enough, I did. SDS crashed tonight and my fellow IT coworkers failed to give me access to the system. But other than that it was a good day.

So, astrology.com, what else can you tell me about myself that I already know?
"Capricorn is disinterested in risk, but more in terms of money and career." I really couldn't have said it better myself. When I got offered my new job, I hardly thought twice about the risks involved. I jumped in head first and accepted the offer. But when it comes to asking hot boys out for a drink, forget about it. I'd rather be chased by a hungry bear...Well, maybe not so much a hungry bear, but you get the idea...

I think of risk like this: if the desired result will exceed the amount of effort I put into such a task then the risk is worth taking. People always tell me, "You'll always wonder what the outcome will be if you don't take the risk," while looking at me with wide eyes as if urging me to do something which in turn could make me look like quite a fool. This is exactly what was said to me not too long ago while sitting at one of my favorite restaurants. Staring at my iPhone ominously, I sat weighing the options which were too simple, but with my thought process, it did take thirty, if not more, minutes to finally come to a conclusion. So do I always wonder about outcomes of risks not taken, you may ask? In fact I do. There's so many times I look back and think: "What if I had expressed my feelings a little more?" Or even way back in high school, would I have got that solo if I tried out for it; or would I have been chosen for that role in the play if I had auditioned...

However, rejection leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. The memories of me taking a chance and failing always outlast thoughts of curiosity about chances I could have taken. In those instances I find myself saying "What if I hadn't done that?" which is a very counter-productive thought.

Another thing, I'm so sick of the cliche idea that people who aren't risk takers are boring. I'm boring but that's because I'm simple-minded. It doesn't usually take much to make me happy. Give me my computer, some tunes, good company when I need it and I'm set. If you ask me, those people that sit at the slot machines all night are boring, they're taking a risk however that does not mean that the risk is any bit thrilling or exciting. I consider myself to be adventurous to an extent, I'll try something until I decide that I do not like it. Once, I drove across the state to meet someone, while many people exclaimed that I was quite "brave," I didn't feel that risk was all that large. Just as, the things I find to be jeopardous, many others do not. Simply put, risk is defined by the risk taker.

(By the way, my Mac thinks that jeopardous is misspelled... This makes me believe that my spelling skills are superior hahaha!)

And all that because I decided to read my horoscope...
Pretty lame.

Oh I finally started to appreciate A Perfect Circle this week. Everyone always asked me why I am not a fan since I listen to Tool. Besides the fact that these people don't realize that the two bands have completely different styles. (It's the epic vocals which get me!) Anyway, I guess it just had to take the right song for me to like APC. Another band I just got into recently is Alice in Chains. Weird, I know, considering my iPod is full of similar bands. It was actually the scandalous bitch who introduced me to them since that is his favorite band. But most of all, I've been filling my head with trance/electro jams this week. Always good summer night driving music! Yummy!!




"Pay no mind what other voices say
They don't care about you, like I do.
Safe from pain, and truth, and choice, and other poison devils
See, they don't give a fuck about you, like I do"

So dark, yet so creepy...

Love it!

(insert bad joke)

Can't sleep...
Internet blog epic fail...
Why do I share my obscure thoughts with the world, when in fact, I do not want the world to know such thoughts?
Then again I have to ask myself why it is I am so strange; and secondly how did these odd thoughts and beliefs manifest in my head?
There's a possibility that I've seen far too much from the outside looking in. And an even bigger possibility that I'm simply a weirdo who spends far too much time in front of the computer allowing said thoughts to grow inside my mind.

With this said: Beer drunk is not fun. I'll stick to my Sapphires and tonics or my Goose and juice because Corona and lime has really gotten the best of me. Started out me wanting a hug, lead to me getting a little sad, then to me almost a bit teary-eyed, now I'm just all sorts of depressed... When in fact I have no reason to be... I'm graduating this semester! Finally... The world is my oyster. I can move on to better things such as: getting my bachelor's degree, getting one of those really nice office jobs with a city view, and working on my first attempt at marriage... Oh, and maybe adopting a pet...

Website Advice Fail...

As we all know, I have a terrible time figuring out when guys actually like me. It's been quite a problem of mine for a very long time. Years will pass and the certain guy will tell me "I used to think you were so cute. I always wondered why we never hung out." Of course, most of the time I discover this after it is too late to pursue any kind of love interest. So tonight I decided that this was the opportune time to read up on body language. Since most [straight] men aren't about going to tell me if they are interested in me or not, and I'm not about to start talking feelings anytime soon. How else am I supposed to figure out such mysteries...

Upon my reading I stumbled upon this sad material in the internets.
How to Become a Player
So the first thing that comes to my mind when I see the title of the page is: "If you have to read up on how to be a player on the internet you are definitely not a player. In fact, I may just be more of a player than you...

I always enjoy a good laugh so I keep reading this website. Like all chauvinistic male articles this one also advises men to avoid calling his lady friend the day after their date/encounter, best to wait at least 3 days. I don't know how many countless times I've heard/seen this horrible advice. Their reason for not calling the lady being it makes the male look desperate or bored. According to this women like guys that keep busy. There are many flawed things about this advice. If a guy I like waits 3 days to talk to me I assume that he didn't like me so therefore I move on. I have bigger fish to fry than wait for a guy to call me. I'll start the prowl all over again to find another one. Secondly, if a guy appears to be busy I'm going to assume that he has no time to pursue a relationship. I'm not a needy person, but why get involved with a woman if you do not have, or do not want to make the time, to devote to such relationship. I've been with those "busy" types before. Most of the time they were sitting at home playing video games or going out to the bar with friends. If that's what you consider "busy," I'm sorry, you have a very pathetic life.

Another thing it says is that if a woman offers to buy a guy a drink the guy can say that he's never drank before. In their perspective the woman will find this to be appealing to break the man's "alcohol virginity." If a grown man tells me he's never drank before I'm automatically turned off. I drink, I like to drink, I like to get drunk. I see nothing wrong with that, nor do I want another male judging me because I do drink. Not only that, but I automatically think that he's really immature or a prude. Neither of which I desire. Are we 15 here guys??

Nicknames will always be the death of me. I hate being called them, "beautiful," "sexy," "baby," if you call me a nickname, to me, you are automatically a douche who is trying way too hard. And for some reason, I don't trust people who chose to give me a nickname. I'm not "beautiful," why lie to my face... I wasn't comfortable with even my ex calling me "babe" until about after about 2 years. Even then when he did I always thought "You're calling me babe, you must want to get laid..." If you insist on giving me a nickname at least be creative...

Here comes the tricky part. This site mentions a great deal about taking ladies out to dinner. Now, when a guy asks me out to dinner I'm going to assume that he wants a chance to get to know me. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Ha, you're such a fool, if a guy asks you to dinner he's already making plans to get you back to his bedroom." What I do not understand is why a guy would want to take all that initiative to get into my undergarments. On the other hand, if a guy asks me "Want to come over and watch some movies?" I automatically know that he does not want to "watch movies" as it does not take two people to watch a movie... What I have always told guys is to make your intentions clear. If you want a relationship make that clear, and if you only want a casual thing let it be known. If you're interested in me don't say that you want my ass and take me home then get butthurt when I don't talk to you the next day. Or vice versa, by saying that you're interested and then blow me off when I ask when you want to meet up again... Lying does not make you more of a "player," it just makes you a deceiving asshole...

And the last point I'm going to rant on, even though I could go on about this all night. This website even goes into detail about what "players" should wear when trying to pick up ladies. "Stuff that 'bad boys' are expected to wear, you know... the guys that all women are uncontrollably attracted to. Wear these clothes and you'll get laid twice as often, if not more." Then it has an array of Ed Hardy shirts displayed. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Ed Hardy. It's like trailer park chic, but if I'm out on a date or at a club, that's the last thing I'm going to be wearing. As for the guys, if you're wearing Ed Hardy you are not a bad boy. You are a guy that tries way too hard to follow trends... Bad boys wear leather and doc martens... Me, even though my image may tell you differently, I prefer a well-dressed/well-kept guy. Guys in suits are like kryptonite to me...

So what is the moral of this post??
Don't take advice from dumb, poorly-designed websites. I'll give you better advice and you won't even have to pay me... I'll even guarantee that you have more luck taking a chick home than if you read that nonsense...

As for me figuring out about body language, as you can guess, I got totally distracted.
...Back to research...

Work in Progress...

I'm not the person you once knew
I'm not the same girl, I'm all brand new.
Look at me now, got money in my pocket
got one hand on the wheel.
Took a chance, made a change, held my breath
went against the grain.

I'm half your age, twice your fame
Say it twice, don't forget my name.
You used me once, but I used you twice.
My life's not a game, I'll roll your dice.


(I need to complete this one... Ya. But I'm tired...
I also need to vlog... but once again, I'm tired...)

It's time for a change...

Why am I still so wrapped up in you when there's 100 others out there just like you...

In two years I'll be better, make more money, and have more respect than all of you that have used me, lied to me, and shut me down...

Rip these feelings from me, they're just a scam...

"Emptiness is loneliness

and loneliness is cleanliness...

Intoxicated with the madness,

I'm in love with my sadness..."

Just Another Scandalous Bitch

Fuck these motherfucking scandalous bitches.

Don't go telling me what a gentleman you are and try to make me believe that you're unlike all the rest. You invite me over and promise "to be a gentleman one-hundred percent." Ya, you're some fucking gentleman. Quit portraying this facade that you're truly a nice guy who wants to invest effort into a relationship. Everyone I've ever talked to has said "Oh he's such a nice guy..." They're about to find out the truth.

How dare you threaten me "You better keep your big mouth closed..." If you're so damn worried about your job why don't you learn to fucking respect the people with whom you work. You're just like all the rest out there, trying to find out how many girls you can lure. Are you back there taking notes, watching them seduce woman after woman. Oh I'm sure it makes you feel like such a big man... Damn right I'll run my big mouth. I'm tired of sitting in the corner while these scandalous bitches screw me over.

And to think that I was actually going to give you a chance. To actually slow down my life and commit to someone wholeheartedly. Fuck that. I feel like a damn fool now for sitting here moping, contemplating ways to make things "work." Wondering when I would be able to see you again. Blech, it makes me sick to just think about it. Fucking disgusting it was to see myself soften up to someone who in turn made my ice cold heart become a lump of coal. At least with Steven I knew what it was all about. He didn't play the card that he wanted to be with someone. He's hot and he knows it and he uses it to his advantage. You, you're nothing. You're unattractive and pathetic. Thirty fucking years old and still trying to live like a 20 year old. Don't you think it's time to grow up...

Sorry to say, but I have people that care about me and respect me. People who aren't going to watch you lead me along while you're trying to get in another girls' pants. Sadly, it was your best friend who told me. Irony, isn't it...

I thought about it, I was going to make a little visit to Human Resources to make a complaint... Maybe even stop by your bosses office to put my word in but I decided I have better things to do. I don't like the spotlight to be on me anyway. Karma has a way of falling back on people, and you're going to have some hell to pay. I can guarantee that for sure, especially when you fuck with me...

Just Breathe

You gotta play with fire sometimes.

Then you stand back and let the walls talk.

Nice guys, I eat them for breakfast.

Then again maybe it's time I find someone to soften my stone cold heart...

I was told everything would be alright as long as I keep my big mouth shut.

It's kind of hard to walk amongst the shadows when you're the talk of the town.

Then the more I think about it the more confused I get.

Too many complications lay at hand.

Before my heart starts to beat any faster

It may be easier just to back down.

Lover I Don't Have to Love

It's always easier to judge than try to understand.

On my last date I sat through accusation after accusation that I don't work for what I have, it was all given to me.

Apparently he need an ego boost and I'm glad that I could provide that.

Just because I like to meet new people does not make me a slut. Just because I go on dates to pass the time does not make me easy. I am still trying to figure out how going to dinner correlates to being scandalous.

There is no simple solution for finding someone. I have discovered that meeting someone on the street is just as prone to problems as meeting someone off the internet. Everyone has always looked down on me for talking to guys I discover via the internet. Sure, there are risks, however the same risks lie at hand when you meet someone face to face.

I recently met an attractive man while I was out of town a few weekends ago. Turns out he is a complete nutcase. A self-righteous, arrogant, atheist. I did not see that coming, while we hung out he seemed quite normal and rational. I did not know that he would obsessively call me, leaving ten minute voice mails asking why I had not phoned him back and that he would just delete my number since I could not devote enough energy towards him. The point being that the internet is not the only place where creepers lie.

Quite honestly I've met a lot of great, respectful men off the web: Gerald, Zach, Dwight, and even Leo, my first boyfriend whom I was with for 3 years. So of course, along with all the wonderful people you meet, you're going to have guys like Ian who abuse the internet as a means to use and manipulate young women.

Point proven: Creepy people are everywhere... Not just the net. So don't judge.

Shall I continue:

I am already sick of people commenting that I'm "desperate" to find someone. I've been on a lot of dates recently quite simply for the fact that being asked out on a date is still somewhat foreign to me. I'm not used to guys asking me out. If I was "desperate" I would have gotten involved with the first one I met. I love my life the way it is. I love cruising around in my car with the wind in my hair and the tunes cranked up. I never liked having anyone to answer to or having someone to worry about. Granted, I do get lonely at times, doesn't everyone. It does make me super jealous when my friends find guys that are "head over heels" for them. But that's life.

I will always chase the impossible. I will always fall for guys that couldn't care less about me. It's just my nature and I've accepted it. Sometimes it's better to feel something than nothing at all. Pain makes me feel human, otherwise I feel like I'm this monotonous being wandering the earth living on hopes and dreams. That's why I texted the scandalous bitch... I want a lover I don't have to love...

It's been a year.

This time last year he left.

A single text message ended it all.

"Im done" was all he said

even though I knew he was done long before I got that message.

It didn't hurt me.

One year and three dates later I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

All those dates I walked out on.

Every single one I disappeared before goodbye could be spoken.

Every single one disrespected me in some form.

Guess I have more confidence than I thought I did...

Creepy Mo-Fo

So lucky me, I get to come home to deal with another total creeper. And I know what you're thinking "Well, if you would stop finding guys off the internet you wouldn't have this problem." Oh but that was not the case. This is someone I met at college. I didn't like him, in fact the sight of him appalled me, but I'm a nice person so I tried to be as pleasant as I could be during our acquaintance. Don't ask me how he got my messenger name or why I accepted him on facebook but I did... And that is how the war started. He had posted a very inappropriate comment on my facebook wall. I'm not the type to tolerate that kind of thing. I have to deal with guys staring at my butt all night at work. I'm not going to allow crudeness in my house or on my profile, for that matter. So since then he's been calling, texting, and IMing me like a madman. "Why do you hate me?" "I thought we were friends." Oh let me take a wild guess... You creep me the hell out. That's why I hate you. So I finally rest my case with the conversation below. He is in blue, I'm in pink.

I deleted you on facebook

but can you pls tell me what i ever did to upset you

i just don't understand why your mad at me?

i thought we were friends?

ha, what gave you that impression

we always talked on messenger remember?

But can i pls ask what i did to upset you pls?

i really thought we were friends?

i try to be nice. just cuz i was nice to you doesn't mean we were friends

ok you hate me i understand that now!

But why did you stop being nice?

Did i say or do something?

well the comment pretty much topped it off

CARLIE COME ON you know me i joke alot

I DIDN"T DO IT TO BE PERVERTED

its me the joker i SWEAR on everybone in my body i meant nothing by it and i meant no harm

well you crossed the line and i don't tolerate that shit

for god's sake my family is on facebook reading that trash

and... didn't mean i was into you or anything

i didnt know your family was reading it

i didn't mean no harm by it

I was joking bout watching you do yoga meaning you look good in tights I've got alot to learn about speaking to women and joking i get that

i've been alone LONG LONG TIME

BUT EVERYONE INCLUDING YOU knows me personally and you know im a nice guy i didn't do it to hurt you upset you or anything like that

why are you making me feel like shit is it so wrong to joke

yes it is

i'm not interested... how many times do i have to turn you down before you get the point and leave me alone

carlie i wasn't pointing out boobs butts or anything ALL I SAID WAS i'd be looking at you

I"M NOT TRYING TO HIT ON YOU

DAMN I SAID I USED TO BE ATTRACTED TO YOU YOU TOLD ME LOTS OF TIMES you'd be my friend

your so rude i can't believe this that i can't make a goofy joke

i just don't understand one minute your nice next you hate my existance i just don't get what i did wrong is all!

ok, i'm rude. get the hint.

leave me alone ok

i think i made my point

goodbye

i hope the worst comes to you cuz you have disgraced me today in more ways than one

you have no right to happiness after your actions today

NO SHIT

YOUR SO DUMB

what part of "Just friends" didn't you understand thats all i've wanted from you for 8 9 months I live here you live there

I"M NOT EVER TRYING TO GET WITH YOU JUST WANTED TO BE YOUR FRIEND

so goodbye

your so rude

so dumb for not listening to what i said

i hope nothing goes the way you want it to you have ruined my day in more ways then i ever thought possible i really feel like shit and i didn't do anything to you

Wow, we're mature... Pretty much telling me he hopes I die and rot in hell. He needs some help, serious psychiatric help. Not only that, but a seat in church might due him some good. Absolutely no one has the authority to tell me that I should be miserable for the rest of my life.

Now I'm going to watch the new South Park episode and have more wonderful sweet dreams of getting hugs from Brock Lesnar. His hugs are pretty much awesome even if it was a dream! :-)